Ever find yourself undoing all your mindfulness and self-work when you’re around family? If you have, you’re not alone. There’s even a word for it! It’s called regression and it is especially common around the holidays. 

This episode was a hit this time last year so we’re going to release it again, just in case you need a refresher this holiday season. 

In this week’s episode, Erika tells us what regression is, how to deal with it in public, and how to regulate your nervous system. Because, as much as you’d like to, you can’t stop your Tia from handing out backhanded comments. But you can change how you react to them. 

The article referred to during episode:Why Our Family Triggers UsAnd What to Do

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Episode Transcript:

The truth is that hurt people hurt people. So if somebody is hurt and wounded inside, they may come off in a way where they hurt you. And it’s not always intentional. And sometimes it could be intentional, but many times it is unintentional and they don’t mean to hurt you. They’re just hurt inside.

Welcome to the Chingona Revolution Podcast, where we will bring out your inner badass Latina, overcome self-doubt, help you gain clarity, and pave your own path, all while leading with courage. I am your host, Latina coach and speaker, Erika Cruz.

Erika: Hello and welcome back to Ch*ngona Revolution podcast. This week we are actually re-releasing an episode that I recorded a year ago when we were getting close to the holidays all about triggers, family, and the holidays. And I share four tips on how to overcome feeling triggered from your family and what you can learn during the holidays and just how to navigate this time that is very beautiful but can also be extremely triggering and what I mean by triggering is when family members perhaps make comments that feel invalidating such as you know, when are you gonna go get a real job or like And you know, we all have those family members that have no real filters and they’re asking us these questions that they don’t even realize Sometimes can cause us to feel a certain way inside So this episode is dedicated to how to navigate the holiday season in a peaceful way and use the triggers that come up during the holidays as an opportunity for growth.

So I hope you enjoyed this episode because I got so many shares from it last year that we had to bring it back this year and I hope you enjoy it. If you took anything away, be sure to share it to your Instagram stories or send me a DM. Let’s get into it.

 Hello, and welcome back to this week’s podcast episode, we are reading off a review, an Apple podcast review from Ask Me Anything, which the review states, Erica gets it. I just listened to the first episode and even though I’ve heard Erica’s story before, I can’t help but feel inspired. Like if it were the very first time.

Erica just gets it. She gets me. growing up as a Latina immigrant in the United States, what I’ve always wanted is a sense of belonging through community. This podcast makes me feel like we’re all sitting around la sala with our cafecito talking about life in ways that truly make sense to us.

If you haven’t already followed Erica and subscribed to this podcast, do it. You won’t regret it. Wow. What an amazing review. Thank you so, so much for that. I really feel like you’re giving me the vision of like, what if we did a live podcast episode? Wouldn’t that be so cool? Like the Chingona Revolution show, having it in person where like, maybe I bring in guests or maybe You all get to, like, sit around and hear me talk about a topic, and then we can, like, do some coaching at the end.

Ooh, I am seeing, like, a really, really good idea coming from this review. So thank you so much, Ask Me Anything. I don’t know who you are, but if you’re listening to this, send me a DM so I could give you some credit for this, because, wow, you really, like, I don’t know if I’ve made that vision happen for me right now, and I think we have to make it a reality.

So for those of you listening, if you would love to attend a live show, let me know. Let me know. And we can see if like maybe we could even do, I don’t know, wouldn’t it be so cool if we did like a podcast road show where I went to Miami, Chicago. Texas, um, where else? LA, obviously the Bay. That would be so cool, right?

And New York. Wow. Maybe we’ll do something like this. Okay. Um, let’s get into the podcast because this podcast episode is a good one. It is very, very timely. It is All about the holidays. Today we are talking about triggers, family, and healing during the holidays. We are going to talk about why it is that the holidays are challenging for us, what it is that the holidays can help us do, and lastly, as always, I’m going to end with tips.

I have about four tips for you today. With how you can manage triggers and family drama during the holidays. So let’s get into it. Why is it that the holidays are challenging? Okay, so I wrote down a list of reasons, but I also decided to do a little bit of research since I am not a therapist, and this is not therapy.

And I’m just speaking from my own experience and from what I’ve seen with my clients. So I did a little bit of research and I actually came across this really cool article on Psych Central. And it’s all about why our family triggers us and what to do. And it’s specifically talking about the holidays.

So I’m still going to give you my reasons, but there’s something that’s described in this article that’s so well said. I’m going to link it in the show notes But it pretty much talks about like so why is it that we’re triggered?

Well, the thing is a stranger or a friend could make the same remark to you as a family member But if it’s your family members words Then those are the ones that hurt the most and I think we can all attest to that Right, like a friend might say something and we don’t take it super personally But let your mom or your dad say it and oh it really is one of those things that hits you right in the gut or right in the heart or just gives you this physical reaction.

And this article talks about how somehow our family has a way of pushing our buttons, and this is because they are the ones who installed them, right? So they’re the ones who installed these buttons, so of course they know how to push our buttons. I mean, my brother is the king of pissing me off. And I mean, so are my other family members, but my brother really just knows where to go to make it really sting.

But you know, our family also triggers us so intensely because of something called regression. And this therapist, her name is Britt Frank, she says that regression is returning to a less developed state. So in other words, when we are with our family, We become kids, especially when our family treats us like we are kids.

I am the younger sibling. There’s my brother and I, and I’m the younger sibling. And the moment that I am in the same space as my mom and my brother, I am treated like the youngest sibling. And It wasn’t until recently that I’ve seen a little bit more respect and it’s probably because now I’m a business owner and becoming a business owner has given me a ton of confidence and a ton of It’s just freedom, freedom to do what I want with my time, what I want to do with my money.

And because I’ve changed the way that I view myself and I carry myself, I think now my family is beginning to adopt this new way of treating me. But it took a really long time. So back to this article. Whenever we. are around family and then they treat us like kids, we feel small and we can throw tantrums and our emotions become really big.

I’m reading directly from the article here, by the way. And we feel as if we can’t control our emotions. So in order to cope with triggers during the holiday, the number one intervention I use with my clients as this therapist is to actively observe when we are starting to regress. Again, the therapist’s name is Britt

Frank. So The simple act of observation and then adjusting our self-talk can reverse regression and bring us back to a state of mind where we are powerful, in control, and can maintain boundaries despite the environmental triggers. So for instance, instead of telling yourself, what’s wrong with me, or I’m a terrible person, or I can’t control myself, you say something like, I have choices.

I am a capable adult. This is a difficult time and I’m doing the best. that I can or I can do this. So I think that that’s really, really good advice from this therapist. And a lot of what I was going to state aligns with this, but I feel like she has the language and the experience to, to state that. So I’m really glad that I found this article.

But pretty much when we are around family, Especially around all of our family. It’s like we all kind of revert to the roles that we had growing up. And if you’re listening to this podcast, then chances are that you are, not chances are, if you’re listening to this podcast, you’re really into self-development.

You’re into becoming the best version of yourself. You’re into growing and learning. And the thing is that when you were kids, you didn’t have access to any of this stuff. So the person that you are now is not the person that you were when you lived with your family as a child. Right? And when we regress, we no longer access this new version of ourselves because we begin to act as if we were back at home and before we knew this stuff.

So that’s why we’re so easily, easily triggered.

So I love the advice that this therapist gives about really managing your self talk. So now let’s go into the additional points that I had regarding why we are triggered during the holidays. So here’s the thing. Hurt people hurt people. A lot of us have family members who have never gone to therapy, who aren’t listening to podcasts like this, who aren’t really into self development, and they are wounded.

They are hurt from their own upbringing. Maybe, you know, they were in your shoes a generation ago where like they were the kids that were being hounded by the aunts and uncles or their parents about not living life the way that they expected. I mean, there’s so much there, but when people haven’t necessarily healed, They can come off, and not that we’re ever done healing, healing isn’t.

ever evolving journey that we go through, but the truth is that hurt people hurt people. So if somebody is hurt and wounded inside, they may come off in a way where they hurt you and it’s not always intentional. And sometimes it could be intentional, but many times it is unintentional and they don’t mean to hurt you.

They’re just hurt inside. And the thing is that we expect people to act a certain way, but people are who they are. And as I mentioned earlier, you’ve evolved who you are and who you were once you lived, when you lived with your family, or if you still live with them, right? But when you were a kid versus now, you are a different person.

You’re a different person than you were before the pandemic. There’s so many things that have changed. So many things that you have learned. So much growth that you have gone through. And sometimes we expect people to come on that journey of growth with us. And when you’re in the process of growing, you don’t know how far.

far ahead you’re getting and how much, not further ahead than someone else. But I mean, just like further in your journey, you don’t realize how much progress you’ve made until you are exposed to somebody from your past who maybe still thinks the way that you used to think. And then you see the difference.

And I think this happens a lot with our family members. When we really begin to work on ourselves, we expect them to grow with us, but they’re not on our journey. And just like we’re allowed to have our own journeys. so are our family members. So rather than expecting your parents or your extended family to treat you a certain way because the way that you’ve grown, like you start by treating yourself that way because we don’t have control over other people.

We only have control over ourselves.

So to quickly recap, why is it that the holidays are challenging, especially around family? It’s because of regression. We go back to maybe our childlike selves or to a past unhealed version of ourselves. Hurt people hurt people, right? Like maybe you have an aunt that’s really paranoid about the way she looks or about her weight and she might make a comment to you about your weight.

I recently was visiting a friend’s family where I was there with my friend and we were getting food and one of her family members says, I’m going to give you some advice and, you know, so I kind of turned around and I was like, Oh, this is going to be good. Like, can I share this advice on my podcast? You know, wisdom from an elderly.

And, uh, she’s like, you are a beautiful girl that’s smart and intelligent, but you really need to lose some weight. If you want to find a man, and I literally felt my heart drop and it was,

you know, what do you even say to a friend in that situation, but I witnessed how a hurt person hurt another person, chances are this individual has lived most of her life, watching what she ate, worried about what other people thought and here she is explaining to somebody younger in the family that they need to take their weight more seriously, which yeah, is hurtful on so many different levels.

But again, it was all about her, hurt people, hurt people. And then the last point was that we expect people to act a certain way, but people are allowed to have their own journey. This one’s hard, right? I have a client who was with her family over Thanksgiving and she’s the eldest and she has two younger siblings.

And she was really. In this place where she wanted to, she’s been working on herself, and she sees so much potential in her younger siblings. She wants to be a mentor. She wants to help them be the best version of themselves. But the thing is, they didn’t ask for that. Right? They didn’t ask for that. And then here she is getting frustrated because they’re not taking the action that she’s suggesting.

When the reality is they need to opt into it. Like we can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. We have to let people have their own experience and their own lives. Just like we want to have our own, because if we really think about it, most of these triggers are because we want to live our life the way we want, not the way that other people expect us to act or to the decisions that other people expect us to make.

But sometimes we are also having those same expectations of other people.

All right, what is it that the holidays can teach us? So here’s the thing. I’ve learned through my years in therapy that triggers are teachers. So when you are triggered, and if you don’t know what a trigger is, I should have actually started off with this, so I apologize. If you’ve never heard the word trigger, um, you will, you’ve probably experienced being triggered.

But the, and I’m not looking up the definition of this. I’m just telling you from my own experience. So this could be wrong, but, or not, not as accurate. But in my own experience, a trigger is when somebody says something and you feel a physical reaction or a mental reaction. So for example, when the individual Um, the family member of my friend said that she needed to lose weight.

Even I was triggered by that, where I felt it in my gut. I wanted to like throw up. I wanted to escape. I had a physical reaction to that comment. And then I also had a mental reaction where all I wanted to do was lecture this individual when that wasn’t really my place to do that. Right? I was the visitor in her home and I wasn’t going to turn around and be like, you should never say that to, to a family member.

But anywho. So, triggered is when somebody says something that upsets you and you have a reaction that’s either physical, mental, emotional, any of that. So, triggers are teachers. Whenever somebody triggers us. It is a teacher, right? So it’s either showing us something that we need to work on or somewhere that we need to have a little bit more compassion.

So, in other words, if Triggers are teachers, the holidays are actually a really good time to, the holidays are a really good time to show us where our areas of growth are, where the opportunity for growth is. And what perfect timing, right? It’s like right when the new year. So. I think when we are going into a family member’s house or when we are going into the holidays or maybe extended family, I mean, hey, whoever, whoever it is that, that triggers you.

When you’re triggered, ask yourself, like, why am I reacting this way? And just like getting really curious, because there’s many times when I’ve been triggered by my family members. And as I brought them up in therapy, we’ve really identified. What it is that, where are these triggers even came from and how I could give myself the validation that I was expecting from other people.

So you know how earlier in my, this podcast is a little bit all over the place y’all. We’re going back to point number one, why the holidays are challenging. And then the third reason I gave, which is we expect people to act a certain way or, you know, we, we have almost this, Oh, you know who has a good podcast episode about this?

The life coach school podcast has an episode about manual. I have manuals and we each have a manual for how we expect other people to act, but it’s our own manual. It’s made up in our head of how we expect other people to act. But a big part of this that I didn’t touch on earlier that I do think is really important is that we look to our family to validate us.

All the time. We look for approval from our siblings. We look for approval from our parents. We look for approval from our significant others. And the reality is, like, yes, it would be nice to be validated, but sometimes people don’t even know how to validate us. Whenever I told my mom that I was leaving tech to start my business, she was not over here validating me.

She hasn’t even validated me now. And this is, like, I’ve been on the front end of the New York Times. I’ve been on Telemundo. I mean, I’ve done so many things and she’s never really come up to me to say, Hey, I’m proud of you. Even though I know she is. And I’ve heard her tell my aunts and I’ve heard her, you know, take, I mean, I’ve seen her take the New York times article to her client’s house, but she’s never actually said that to me.

And at this point through therapy, I actually don’t. I don’t need her validation because I have learned to validate myself. So as we expect our family members to give us this validation, may you understand that sometimes people don’t even know how to validate us and you don’t know how to validate other people.

Other people are also going through their own journey and expecting to be validated by people like you and you’re not validating them simply because you don’t know how. Right? If like, let’s say that I, um, I don’t know. Let’s say that my brother was like really into cars and he, well, he used to be into cars, but now he’s busy.

He has kids, but let’s say that my brother, I don’t know, bought like a few cars and did stuff to fix them up and then sold them. And I don’t know, did some like magician shit on the car. Would I be celebrating his ass? No. I don’t know anything about cars, right? Or like, my brother orders these soccer balls and sells them, like, I, I’m not gonna be like, hey, great job on making so much money on these soccer balls.

I know nothing about that. And just like it would be unfair for me to expect my brother to validate me with my podcast or how I’m coaching people when one, he’s not my target audience, two, he’s not in this space, and three, he just like doesn’t get it. Then it’s unfair, right? It’s unfair to expect these people to validate us.

So this is why it’s important for you to find. community, right? And to validate yourself. All right. That was a tangent. Let’s get into my tips. So again, back to speaking about being triggered during the holidays. Some of my tips are number one, before seeing family, do things that fill your cup and regulate your nervous system.

So a regulated nervous system is when you are calm, when you are able to socialize and engage, When you have an unregulated nervous system or when you’re triggered, that’s kind of the fight or flight response where all you want to do is leave or all you want to do is argue and defend yourself. We want you to be as regulated as possible.

So whether this means meditation, working out, dancing, journaling, hanging out with somebody who really makes you feel expansive before you see family, that is what you should do because the last thing that you want is to go in already irritated. because you’re going to be easily triggered. 

Do you feel stuck in your life or business and aren’t sure what’s next for you? Do you feel like everyone seems to have things figured out, but you feel like you’re missing something? I totally hear you. I was in your exact shoes just a few years ago, and this is why I’ve created my coaching programs.

Courage Driven Latina is a 12-month group coaching program designed to help you take action on your courage project in just 90 days. Whether you’re in the middle of a life transition, struggling with self-doubt, tired of starting and stopping a project, or feeling lonely in your goals and dreams, then this program is for you.

A courage project can be starting a business, launching a podcast, starting your healing journey, or building the confidence to date after a divorce. No matter the project, my courage framework will help you overcome any obstacles and help you make your dreams a reality inside of Courage Driven Latina.

You will build confidence, courage and find a supportive community of driven women cheering you on every step of the way. Magnetic Mastermind is my advanced program for women, entrepreneurs and leaders. This program is for those of you who have already started, but are ready to grow without the hustle.

You’ll improve your strategy, spirituality, and self. You’ll use my magnetic framework to attract, not chase, dream clients and opportunities. Remember, you are the creator of your reality. Don’t let procrastination hold you back any longer. Go to TheEricaCruz. com, that’s Erica with a K, under Work With Me.

It’s also linked down below in the show notes, where you can learn more about these programs. You can join the waitlist and you will be the first to know when we open the doors. I cannot wait to work with you. Now let’s get back to the show.

Erika: So the first step is fill your cup, y’all.

Fill that cup because you don’t want to go in with an empty cup because then you won’t be able to really tolerate much. My second tip is understand and remind yourself that you cannot change other people, especially your family. Not only can you not change them, it is not your job to change other people.

Your job is to work on yourself. Remember my family didn’t start treating me differently. Until I started to treat myself differently, I could tell them all day, Hey, I’ve changed. Hey, I’m not a kid anymore. They had to see me go through my own journey of becoming this confident entrepreneur that now they’re treating me differently.

So you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. And you also can’t make other people want to change. The best thing you can do is lead by example. Tip number three is get curious. Remember that if triggers are teachers. this holiday season. is an opportunity for you to learn more about where your areas of growth are.

So when you walk into your family event, lead with curiosity because you’re less likely to take it personal. And remember that all of this is nothing more than valuable information. So if somebody is triggering you, rather than letting yourself regress, maybe ask yourself, Um, why am I triggered? What is this teaching me?

What area of growth can I identify here from this trigger? And just leading with curiosity almost removes that, that emotional part of it where like, oh, I’m not good enough because that’s usually where our mind goes when we’re triggered or why am I not validated here?

 So yes, remember that all of this is valuable information to help your own self development and your own growth. My fourth and last tip is nothing is ever personal. 

even if it feels personal, it’s not. Personal. When people make comments, they have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. So if you could even just repeat to yourself in the moment that you’re triggered or as you’re walking into your, your family’s house, like nothing is ever personal.

People are just having their own experiences based on their own. they’re on their own history and their own point of view and they’re allowed to have that. And I’m allowed to have my own, but nothing is ever personal. I have a whole podcast episode on this, like how to stop taking things personally. If you are feeling very butthurt or feeling like attacked, I recommend that you check out that podcast episode.

And then I’m going to go back to that psych central. article that I was looking at earlier. So one of the tips that they say is 

 Ultimately, when a family member triggers you, the best thing you can do is to honor yourself and refocus on your needs. What do you need in that moment that will serve you? Maybe that’s telling the person that you don’t appreciate their comments and request that they stop.

Maybe that means leaving the room and maybe it means having an honest one-to-one conversation on a different day and asking them where their remarks are really coming from. Whatever you decide to do, Start and end with self-compassion. I couldn’t agree with that more. Obviously, you are entitled to set boundaries, you’re entitled to your own reactions, but whatever it is that you do, self-compassion is the key.

We have so much compassion for our friends and people around us, but when we are in certain situations, we tend to lack that self-compassion.

Okay, y’all, I just want to remind you that you are a powerful individual. You get to set the boundaries that you feel are necessary to set. And you also get to leave. And you also get to stay. You get to do whatever it is that you absolutely need. So, thank you so much for spending another, what is it, like, 20-something minutes with me this week.

And also, thank you to everyone who has shared your Spotify Unwrapped. Wow, I, so if you’re not, if you don’t listen to this on, on Spotify, um, Spotify does this thing at the end of the year where they demonstrate or where they show. Your top listen to podcasts as well as songs and artists, and it’s a really cool feature or a really cool thing that that Spotify does.

And you know, I was excited to see people’s song choices and artists choices and see what their different musical taste was. And I totally forgot about podcasts on Spotify and how those are ranked as well. And when. you all started tagging me in your Spotify Unwrapped that Chingo and I Revolution is one of the podcasts that you listen to the most.

I was in disbelief. I didn’t even make the connection that this could actually Be a possibility until I saw those coming in and I just need you all to know that I do not take that lightly And I really I really value your time and the fact that you spend time with me each week It means so so much to me.

So thank you so much if you shared it Thank you so much of the for those of you who are listening I’m wishing you all the happiest of holidays, and I will see you all next week

Thank you so much for joining me this week. Make sure to visit the erika cruz.com. That’s Erica with a K where you can subscribe to the show so you’ll never miss an episode. You can help this podcast grow by supporting me with an Apple Podcast rate and review. If you took anything away from this episode, I invite you to take a screenshot and share it on social media so that your favorite badass Latinas can also check it out.

Be sure to tag me. The Erika Cruz, that’s Erica with a K, because you know I wanna see it. If you’re ready to join the revolution and be a part of the courage driven Latina community, visit courage driven latina.com to get more information and join the wait list. Thanks again, and I’ll see you next week.