Did you know that being grateful and being a people pleaser are two different things? It can sometimes feel like they’re the same, but being a people pleaser means that you are self-sacrificing for someone else, like your parents, for example. There’s no sacrifice in feeling or being grateful. So why does it feel like we can’t be good daughters if we’re not self-sacrificing? 

People pleasing is more prevalent than you think, especially among first-generation Latinas. Our parents sacrificed so much to get us the best opportunities they could, so sometimes it feels selfish to do anything other than what they want. It can also feel like you can never take risks because you don’t want to seem ungrateful for everything they’ve done for you. So how do we break this habit and choose ourselves without hurting our relationships in the process?

In this week’s episode, we’re sharing a workshop I created for the  Understanding People Pleasing Summit with Cora Rennie. People pleasing is a trap, and it will keep you stuck in a self-made cycle of self-sacrifice for way too long. By talking about it, we can identify these habits within ourselves and take the first steps to break out of that cycle. Join me and hundreds of other listeners as we break the people-pleasing cycle and take aligned action now. 

Resources Mentioned:
www.theerikacruz.com/guided-visualization  

Follow Erika on:
Instagram @‌theerikacruz
TikTok @‌theerikacruz
LinkedIn

Website:
http://www.theerikacruz.com

How to work with Erika:

Join the waitlist for the Courage Driven Latina program here.

Join the waitlist for the Magnetic Mastermind here!

Podcast production for this episode was provided by CCST, an Afro-Latina-owned boutique podcast production and copywriting studio. 

Episode Transcript:

Erika: Hello. Hello. Welcome back to this week’s episode of Chingona Revolution podcast. This is your host, Erika Cruz. If you have ever wanted to say no, maybe you felt it physically in your body, but you went against that and you still said yes. Then you, my friend, have experienced people pleasing. This is not a judgment.

I truly believe that we as humans, we crave connection, right? it’s a necessity. It’s not even a nice to have humans. Were meant to connect. And when we lived in tribes, if we were kicked out of our tribe, we would die. That was literally a death [00:02:00] sentence. So connection for human beings is a survival mechanism and.

Because of this, sometimes we can lean too far into wanting that connection that we abandon ourselves and we people please. And what I’ve learned is that at every stage of our lives, especially if you are first generation, especially if you are a woman, if especially if you are just like living in survival.

People pleasing can be a byproduct, and it’s not because we don’t love ourselves, but it’s just because of the way that we have been conditioned. And what I’ve learned is that at every stage of life, there’s new levels of choosing yourself and new levels of overcoming people pleasing. For example, when we are younger.

We just want to please our parents because we want that connection and that love from our caregivers. And then we go into school and then we want the connection from our friends, and then we start working. And then we people please at work and we don’t advocate for [00:03:00] ourselves, or maybe we don’t ask for what we really want, and then maybe we end up in relationships and we can abandon ourselves there.

So I have learned that. People pleasing is a core wound that I’ve had to work on over and over and over again because the opposite of people pleasing is choosing yourself. And when you lean into people pleasing, you are abandoning yourself. So if this resonates with you so far, I invite you to listen to today’s episode, which is actually an interview where I spoke on a virtual conference, a virtual summit, all about people pleasing, and I talked about first gen guilt.

How sometimes as we’re picking the path of our lives, it can be so easy to justify, oh, but my parents sacrificed so much. Let me just follow what I think I should do. So I hope you enjoy this interview with Cora, who was a great host and she was the person that put on this summit. I also created a free [00:04:00] meditation for you to support you with.

Overcoming people pleasing. We’ve linked that down below in the show notes. So let’s get into this episode. I hope you enjoy and I’ll see you next week.

Cora: I am Cora Re, and I can’t wait for you to hear from Erika Cruz. As part of our Understanding People Pleasing Summit. For women to uncover the root causes, embrace self-compassion, and create deep connections you’ve been craving. Erika Cruz is a founder of Courage Driven Latina and hosts the Chingona Revolution, which stands for Badass.

Revolution. That’s a podcast. Um, after eight years in tech, she left her six figure job to build a seven figure coaching business from her childhood room. Erika helps first gen Latinas take bold aligned action to build lives and careers rooted in purpose. She has worked with companies like McDonald’s led workshops for tech teams, and has been featured in the New York Times, CNN.

Telemundo LA Times and more. so Erika is gonna help us explore the topic of when gratitude turns into guilt. The first gen people pleasing [00:05:00] trap. Okay, so before we dive in, people are probably looking at me and like, oh, you’re not a Latina. How on earth did you and Erika to get connected? So I wanna say two things about that.

The first thing is I like to put on some Celsa music every once in a while and channel my internal Latina, and I think every woman has access to that ana energy. and then the second thing is your story was. Just so compelling, that I knew that this a conversation had to be part of the submit. So can you tell us your story please?

Erika: Yes, of course. And I also want to touch on the Latina aspect. while my brand really started focusing on, the community of Latinas and Latinos, I, I will say that the things that we talk about are. Human problems as well. Sure. So, my clientele at this point is not just Hispanic, it’s also African American.

I’ve worked with Caucasian women. I have Filipino American. So it, as long as you consider yourself the rebel of your [00:06:00] family or your friend group, or the one person who’s not doing things the way that everyone else expects you to. Then this community is the community for you. Because that’s kind of the common theme, which is why the podcast is called The Badass Revolution, right?

Yeah. And it’s not like Revolution hurt people. It’s a really love-based revolution. How can you live the most authentic life? Which I think is very aligned with what, what we’re talking about today from Yes. You know, when the gratitude can, can take a turn. so your question was if I could tell you my story?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um, how far back do you want me to go? 

Cora: As far as you want, like I feel like it’s all relevant, right, Leah? Yeah. 

Erika: Okay. So, um, I am the daughter of Mexican immigrants, so both of my parents are from Mexico and I was born in California and at home it really was. This traditional Mexican home, but at school it was, I was American, right?

So it, it was really kind of [00:07:00] two different cultural worlds. But the reason I bring that up is I have one older brother and my older brother was always really good at school and for me I was more social and not that great at sitting in my seat and studying. And I was intelligent, but in, in different ways.

And early on I actually remember just. I think I’ve always been some form of a feminist, even when I was a kid and just very outspoken, and that’s not welcomed in my culture. So there’s, um, the saying of like, women should be seen and not heard in Spanish. There’s the exact same saying that it, the, the saying goes, which translates to you look prettier when you sit there and you’re quiet.

And that’s the message that you’re constantly told as. A woman in that cultural scenario so quickly, I noticed how different my brother was treated versus how I was treated, and there was one specific comment. [00:08:00] That, um, my dad made, I’ll never forget which street we were on. Funny enough, I live, I live around the block from that street now.

Um, but we were driving down the street and my brother has always been pretty, um, driven when it comes to like wanting to make money and wanting to do all these different things. And I’ve always been a little bit more, as I mentioned, on the social side. So my brother was asking about his inheritance. We were kids.

I was maybe like seven. And uh, my dad said, oh, well, you know. Alex is gonna get 70% of the inheritance because he is a guy and Eric is going to get 30% because she’s a girl and she’s going to get married and somebody’s going to take care of her. Wow. Which. Even my 7-year-old self knew that was completely wrong.

And I, I remember just getting so upset. I was like, what? Well, what if I don’t wanna get married? Or what if I wanna get married and I wanna get married to a girl and I wanna support her and I’m not a lesbian, but I think, again, it’s just me being, yeah. Um, the, my rebellious self. And, um, my dad always said that [00:09:00] I should have been a lawyer because I like to argue, but I think it’s just, I, I like to stand up for.

What I think is right and it’s not always been easy to do that, and I feel like I’ve really, uh, had to work to find my voice again because there was many experiences where my voice was not valued and it was shut down, and I’ve really been conditioned just like many other women. Um, and like not just Latina women, women in general, right?

A lot of us women are conditioned to people, please. Mm-hmm. And to be accommodating of other people’s needs. And just thinking about my brother and myself, we’re both, again, really smart in different ways, but he just doesn’t really even know how to, so my parents are divorced now, um, and I ended up. Living with my mom for a little while and then moved away for school, got a job in tech, uh, did that for like eight, nine years.

And then I decided to quit tech during [00:10:00] the pandemic and start my own business. And I knew I was gonna have to save money and I had to just really get creative. It was one of those things where like my dreams were bigger than my ego and my ego was hurting. But I ended up coming back home and I moved back into my mom’s house because she lived alone and.

Four years later, I’m still here. I did not think I was still going to be here, butNow I am living back at home with my mom. And even when I didn’t live here, anytime I would invite my mom to go do things, I was always like, what would she like to do?

And I would take into consideration her, her the things she enjoys, right? Her hobbies. And I know she loves the outdoors. I know she’ll love it if I take her camping. If we go on a hike, if we go eat somewhere that’s really green and pretty, she won’t really enjoy. If I take. Her to a loud, crowded place.

She’s more of an introvert and I know these, the, these things and I think women, because we’ve been conditional people please, it’s, there’s one positive aspect and it’s that we are very emotionally intelligent. Yeah. While my brother on the [00:11:00] other hand who was not conditioned to people, please. He just takes my mom to go do anything and my mom will, I can look at her face and I know she’s completely uncomfortable and just drained.

Yeah. And he has no real awareness of what it is that she would really enjoy or how to, um, cater to, to her needs. So not saying that’s a good or a bad thing, but it’s just a very clear difference how we were raised in the same home, but yet we were conditioned and treated so differently that we turned out differently.

Yes. 

Cora: Yeah. Yeah. And I think what I love about it is that there’s, I, you know, there’s been a lot of other conversations and around, um, uh, just other factors that play into the people pleasing behavior, but the conditioning part is a, that’s a real thing. Like, that’s pretty significant. And, um, and so that’s what I love about this story and, um, and the way you’re able to present it because, um, even.[00:12:00] 

I, I think just in society and culture today that there’s, we don’t, like we’re swimming in these waters. We’re not always aware, like you had some contrast that helped you be more aware of how the conditioning was different. And a lot of us don’t even realize it. Um, it just seems like that’s just like, I don’t know.

It takes, it takes something else to kind of shine the light on, oh, this is what’s actually going on. Totally. Yeah. Um. So can you talk to me then about the, um, the first gen aspect of what it is that you do and, um, and that piece. 

Erika: Yes. So a lot of my community is first generation, and when I say first generation, it can mean a variety of different things.

You could also be first generation, so, um, it means kind of the first in your family to do X, Y, and Z. So, first generation, um, I think the most obvious form is first generation American. I’m the [00:13:00] first born in America, the first who, you know, just my parents are now citizens, but at the time they were residents, so now they’re citizens.

But I was the first. American in, in the family. I grew up mostly speaking English. I speak Spanish as well, but I mean I’ve studied in English. So there’s that first generation of the country, but then there’s also first generation college student. So my parents did not attend college, so I’m also first generation when it comes to that.

But then there’s also first generation corporate, right? So maybe the first in your family to work in corporate and when. I think about first generation, it’s, it’s really, you were almost in between these two worlds. So as I mentioned earlier at home, it was almost like we, we lived in Mexico, right? Because we only spoke Spanish at home.

We ate Mexican food. It was just the, the norms were very much influenced from my parents’ upbringings while when I was at school, no, I was in America. It was very different. Yeah. So it was like balancing these two different worlds and [00:14:00] I think that. also feeds into a little bit of the people pleasing, right?

Like how, how do, it’s almost like code switching, a little bit like adapting yourself based on where you are. 

Music: Yeah. 

Erika: So. I’ll say that with my specific client base and, um, maybe a lot of the, the viewers slash listeners of this, if they find that they’re the first in their family to do any of the things that I mentioned, either American or first in their family to attend college or first in their family to, um, work in corporate or first in their family to really have access to wealth.

I think there’s something that comes with first generation or being the first in your family that comes with. Like this subconscious guilt, almost like success, guilt, and, oh man, because my parents worked so hard to give me these opportunities or because they didn’t have access to these opportunities, then I should just be grateful for what I have.

And I agree with that. I do. I think we should always be grateful for [00:15:00] what we have. But what I’ve seen through coaching hundreds of women is that. The, I should just be grateful. Mentality, a lot of times keeps people stuck rather than going after what they want. So this idea, and I’ll just use my, my story.

My parents immigrated from Mexico. They both were from very rural areas, no running water, no electricity. My mom didn’t have shoes for a big part of her childhood. So then her life is significantly better now, right? But now think about, I’m born and I immediately have. An abundance of shoes. I have a home.

I have access to education. I have access to learning two different languages and. Uh, immediately I’m, and that’s the whole purpose of her immigrating, right? For me to have better opportunity. 

Music: Yeah. 

Erika: So then now I’m like, okay, well my mom worked really hard to gimme these opportunities, so I better do good in school even though school’s really not my thing.

So I end up going to one of the top universities. I end up [00:16:00] landing a tech job before I graduate at one of the larger tech companies. I worked in tech for eight years. I ended up making six figures in my twenties, and from there I’m like. Cool. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do, but there was this voice inside of me that was like, we need more.

And it wasn’t like, oh, we need more money. It’s like, we need more fulfillment. Yeah. But. I couldn’t leave because of this story I was telling myself that I was gonna throw away all of my parents’ sacrifices. Yeah. And this is how sometimes the people pleasing can sneak up because, what I hear a lot for first generations of, oh man, my, my parents went through so much and they sacrifice.

So much. I can’t leave this well-paying job. I can’t leave this opportunity I have, I can’t walk away from my partner when he’s not an alcoholic and not hitting me, even though I’m not happy. Right. So these things can, yes. Can come up. And that’s how people pleasing shows up specifically with first [00:17:00] generations that I’ve seen.

Cora: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I can relate to a lot of that. And I like what you said about that, the piece of adapting. ’cause that’s really, um. A huge part of it is that being, like being a chameleon basically is like people pleasers have this ability to play all these different roles depending on who we’re interacting with.

Um, yeah, absolutely. So, um, you have a phrase where you’re, you talk about how people pleasing is actually people hurting. Can you please explain what you mean by that? 

Erika: Yes. Oh, I forgot about that. So I’m glad that you brought it up. Um. I feel like I have to tell you a short story before I tell you this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So one of the things that I didn’t mention when I mentioned that I was unfulfilled and that I, um, was searching for more fulfillment in my twenties is that I was, so, I had the college degree. I had the job, I. [00:18:00] Had the boyfriend, actually a, an ideal boyfriend who got along with my family, probably better than I did, also Mexican American.

Great person. Great person, very good heart. And, um, he ended up proposing to me, and I, one, didn’t know how to listen to my intuition. Two was just so. Good at people pleasing. And that had gotten me far right? Or what I thought was far. Mm-hmm. So, um, we’re out on this trip in Peru. We just landed that, that morning.

We landed and we were both so jet lagged and, uh. We go to this park and it’s at sunset, and he, he pops the question. And I remember sitting there and I was not excited, and I was like, is this what it’s supposed to feel like? I, I was so confused and I, I think the answer I gave him was okay after about two minutes of silence because he was getting worried.

He was like, you didn’t, you, you haven’t said anything. [00:19:00] And I think it was really one of those things where I didn’t have the courage to be honest with him. And I had been people pleasing for so long. It was just the next step that needed to happen. Yeah. And, um, compared to my parents’ relationship, he was great.

Right. So it was also the same thing I was mentioning earlier of like, I should just be grateful for what I have. So we get engaged and we come back to, um, we come back to California. And we’re engaged for about a month and I couldn’t sleep at all. Um, and I would stay up a few nights and then I’d sleep because I was so exhausted.

And then, um, my body really started talking to me and. When I think I was experiencing things like, I mean, I couldn’t even use the bathroom like I was constipated. I was, you know, all the different things that show up in your physical body whenever you’re holding onto something and you’re not allowing [00:20:00] yourself to be honest with yourself and.

Uh, I wanna say, yeah, about a month after all of this. And he kept asking like, what, where, you know, we should reach out to the hotels and I’m a, I’m a planner and I could not get myself to plan that thing. Yeah. And one day we had left my mom’s house. We were visiting her. Um, funny enough, the house that I’m in again now, and it was a Sunday and she, it was a.

Around this time of year. So it was nice and warm. So she was doing a little barbecue. We came over, we ate, and on the way back I remember just the anxiety got so bad in my chest and to the, to the point that when we got back to the apartment. We walked in and as soon as I closed the door, the tears just started coming out and I couldn’t stop crying.

And he was like, oh man, what’s wrong? What’s wrong? And I, I looked at him and I said, I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. And he’s like, what do you mean? I was like, I can’t marry you. And he said, well, we don’t have to get married. This turned into a long story, but I, I think somebody needs to hear this.

[00:21:00] Yes. Yes. I said, no, I don’t, I don’t think I can be with you. And I took the ring off and I handed it to him. And, uh, he, he looked at me like he, he expected it. He knew. He knew deep down. Yes. And he grabbed the ring, um, walked out and I’ve never seen him again since that day. So I remember reflecting on this, um, whenever, well, I’ve reflected on this many times.

I’ve done speaking engagements on this story and. What I learned from this was that if I would’ve continued to people please and ended up in a relationship with this person, I was delaying his happiness because I knew that we wanted different things. And I couldn’t tell you this that day that I called off the engagement, but it’s been years at this point, and now I can tell you that it was the best thing for everyone.

So what I mean about people pleasing leads to people hurting is that. I, I hurt him a [00:22:00] lot by even letting it get to that point where he proposed, right, and then saying yes to the proposal. But had I continued to people, please, had we gotten married, that would’ve been a bunch, you know, an investment of time together, an investment of money on the wedding.

It would’ve also been, um, me following through on something when deep down I knew we wanted different things. He wanted a family, he was ready for that. I was in my twenties. I knew I didn’t wanna be in tech anymore. I knew I wanted to start my own business. I didn’t know what kind of business it would be, but.

By continuing to people please. I was going to delay him being able to have a family and it was, I was almost avoiding the discomfort in that moment, but it was going to actually stretch out the discomfort so much more. Yeah. And we, um, broke up and about a year later, um, I learned that he was in a relationship and I, I actually knew the girl because it was, uh, one of his sister’s friends and I really liked her.[00:23:00] 

And I was remember just feeling like. Oh, like I made the right decision. Yeah. ’cause he deserves to be happy. And then about a year after that, um. Somebody informed me that they were engaged and I was like, good. And then I got married and they have like, uh, I believe they have a family. And I’m like, he got exactly what he wanted.

Music: Nice. And if I 

Erika: would’ve continued to people please, I was going to hurt him more and more and more by depriving him of what it was that he wanted. So a lot of times we’re making accommodations based on what we think people want, and we don’t realize that sometimes we’re just causing them pain because the truth’s going to come out.

At some point. Mm-hmm. And the longer you wait, the harder it is. 

Cora: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And not only that, but um. Your level of hurting as well, right? Like your body was showing you. Exactly. But there’s, there’s all levels of hurting when we’re continuing down that path like that. 

Music: Yeah. 

Cora: Um, and part of the story as you were telling it, you were talking about how you didn’t [00:24:00] know how to listen to your intuition and one of the speaking points that you had sent me was about how to listen to your authentic desires and not the the should.

So can you talk to us about that please? 

Erika: Yeah. Um, especially for women, especially for first gen, we’re constantly told. What it is that we should want and how we should act and what we should go after. And we’re never trained. I mean, especially in our capitalistic society, that’s very much about productivity, right?

We’re never, we don’t have classes. I mean, it depends where you go to school, right? But public schools don’t have. Meditation or mindfulness classes or journaling classes. We’re not taught these tools that allow us to really understand what’s going on inside of us. And funny that you actually asked this question right after that story because it was, it was that moment of calling off the engagement that I think was really the moment when I stopped living my life for other people and I started living it for myself.

And that is when I [00:25:00] really went into almost hermit mode and I really. I started to read all the self-development books. I started to journal, I start started to practice meditation, and that’s when I started to learn how my intuition spoke to me. And it speaks to every single one of us a little different.

Mm-hmm. But there are co common themes and. If you, I mean, for some people they feel it directly in their gut, right? As soon as somebody says something, if you feel like you’ve been punched in your gut, that’s usually, that’s usually a sign that it’s a no. But anytime that you’re about to make a decision, if you can just find a moment of solitude and close your eyes and ask yourself, does this make me feel expansive?

Or does this make me feel contracted? And the answer to that question, which. You get, it’s hard to tell when you’re not really in touch with your body, but the more you can do things that allow you to listen to your body, that are things like yoga, meditation, journaling, or even just [00:26:00] going for a walk, that’s another thing before I give a decision, before I give somebody my decision, if I’m on the fence about it.

Then I go for a walk. And that actually research shows that that’s, um, a great way to get unstuck because one, you’re in nature, you typically, right? If you’re, if you’re out, hopefully you’re around nature. But, um, then you’re also, there’s something about the movement of walking forward that allows you to process thoughts more.

Mm-hmm. And I’m totally butchering this research, by the way, something along that line. Don’t quote me on it. And yeah, so, uh, I, I think it’s something that gets better with time and he actually, here’s a great way to know. If you’re not listening to your intuition, a great way to know is if as soon as somebody comes to you with an opportunity, if you run to everybody else to ask them what they think that is how you know that you are not in alignment and that you’re not listening to yourself.

Cora: Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I can relate to that a little too much I think. Yeah. Um, okay. So can we talk about the [00:27:00] free gift that you have for the audience? Um, yes. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. 

Erika: So it’s very much in alignment with this actually. Yeah, I should have talked directly about that. So, um, because I do coach women on helping them find clarity on what it is that they, what their purpose is essentially, and then I help them build the courage to go after that.

Um, what I’ve learned is a big. Helpful tool is visualization, actually. Mm-hmm. Because when we allow ourselves to visualize, it’s almost like we’re accessing our subconscious and we’re allowing ourselves to see, um, the future that we desire. And it’s. Really interesting what my clients will say. They’re like, oh wow, I’m actually not in this job.

I thought this person was gonna be in my life. They’re not. And it can, it can bring so much clarity. So the free gift that I have is actually a guided visualization to help you go from people pleasing to understanding what it is that you truly want, what your authentic desires. Are, and what [00:28:00] I have found is that visualization is, I mean, the body doesn’t know the difference and the mind doesn’t know the difference between something that’s imagined and something that’s actually happening.

And we can activate our stress response by thought alone. So if you are thinking about a situation where somebody made you really upset or something was really unfair. Then your body will begin to react in that way, a as it did in that event. So your heart will start racing. Maybe your palms get sweaty and these things happen.

So, um, if, if that’s true, then the opposite is also true. Yeah. Being that as much as the stressful things can, can cause a lot of tension in the body, allowing ourselves to envision the future reality that we’re looking to create. Then you start feeling like it’s already happening. And when that happens, then there’s um, something in the brain called the Raz, the reticular activation system.

It’s almost like a filter. It then starts to [00:29:00] filter. In your reality what’s happening outside based on what it is that you want. And I’ll just give you a quick example ’cause this is a very long explanation. No, this is great. Yeah. When I started visualizing, after calling off my engagement and when I knew I wanted to start a business, I started to, uh, see myself on podcasts and talking to people and different things like that.

And, uh, as soon as I saw that, I was like, oh, I should probably start following some podcast pages. And I just started seeing podcasts come up kind of all over. And there was a girl I followed on YouTube. Her name is Amy Landino. She’s like a productivity girl. Um, she’s her channel’s great. And I. Saw her on TikTok because that’s where I was creating content.

And I just sent her a message and I was like, Hey, I follow you on YouTube. I love your stuff. Welcome to TikTok. So she goes to my TikTok page and she saw that I, I was starting to build a following there at that time. So she sends me a message and says, Hey, I have no idea what I’m doing on here. Um, this app is blowing up.

Do you wanna [00:30:00] come on my podcast to talk about this? And I was like. Uh, okay. Mind you, I’ve never been on a podcast before. Sure. So why am I sharing this specific story? It was just during my visualization. I was like, oh, wow. I didn’t even think about being in interviews or doing these things. But then the RA system in my brain started to look.

And kind of screen different opportunities that actually could help me make that a reality. And that’s, that’s what happens with visualization. So again, the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s not real. So if anybody out there is feeling stuck and they don’t know how to get to their goals, or maybe they don’t know exactly what their goals are yet, and they know they’re just living their life, people pleasing, then this guided visualization will help them with finding the clarity on what it is.

That their goals, their authentic goals are, and then also supporting them in building the courage and seeing how to make it a reality through the visualization. 

Cora: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and [00:31:00] I, I mean, I would say the. For most of the sort of recovering people, pleasers. I mean, I guess it depends on where you’re at on that path, but um, I think that’s one of the biggest pain points that I’ve heard is just that inability to even answer the question, what do you want?

Right? Like, that’s huge. Um, so to have that is, um, yeah, it’s really important and super helpful. And, um, yeah, as soon as you were talking about that, the filter, I’m like, oh yeah. It’s like when you go car shopping and you’re looking at a certain model car and then you’re driving around and all you see are those.

Red cars or whatever like, like your brain does. That’s exactly for you. Yeah, yeah, 

Erika: yeah. It’s almost like the Instagram algorithm. I think I engaged with a cat video once and like now I get all these cat videos and it’s the same thing. The brain does the same thing because if we just take a moment right now, there’s so much going on, going on around us.

There’s a window in front of me. I see some birds, I see some tr, some leaves falling. I can look around in in my office and see a bunch of different [00:32:00] things. The brain cannot focus on everything, or it would get overwhelmed. So this RAS system, this RAs system, allows us to filter through what’s important.

So through this guided visualization, you get to feed to your brain. This is the, this is the stuff we want to look for. 

Cora: Mm-hmm. Yeah. But what I also heard is that it, it didn’t sound like you were specifically. Planning that you would do this step and then this other thing would happen, and that’s how you get on the podcast.

It was like, there was just like one step was shown to you at a time and that opened up a thing and then that opened up a thing. So, um, exactly. I guess I’m, yeah. Wanna tie those two together that it sounds like there’s, um. Like intuitive hits that kind of just show you one step at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Erika: I had a client go through this, so I, I tested this with my mastermind. We did a whole month of guided visualization and one client who is, um, she runs an agency, so this is her second year in [00:33:00] business, so she’s fairly new and one of the big things that she was looking to call in and manifest is, um. More business that ca came from her.

She has a co-founder, so she wanted to also bring in more business that was from her direct network because a lot of her coworker was bringing in most of the business. She’s like, wait, I need, I wanna contribute too. So we did this, um, guided visualization and af At the end of it, we were all reflecting and she’s like, you know, interestingly enough.

Saw people’s faces. So I think I should reach out to these people. And the following week she was like, guess what? I reached out to this person. And not only do they have a project for us, but they’re making an introduction to all these other people. And it was so wild, right? She just saw this one person and that opened up a whole train of things for her, for her to do.

Cora: That’s so beautiful. So it’s, um. It’s not just the piece of, um, [00:34:00] the pain of wanting to leave the shoulds behind and wanting to figure out what you’re, but it’s almost like a sense of this, like when you talk about purpose like this, that we all have, we probably. If we were all listening to our intuition, what that means for all of us, like that co-creation and that contribution and how we all better each other’s lives, um, that that gets to open up when we’re not all stuck in the shoulds.

Yes, that’s what I’m hearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I’m 

Erika: so glad you brought that up. It’s almost like not everybody wants a million dollars in a Ferrari, right? Like we don’t all want the same thing. And if we actually followed our authentic desires and we actually went after what we want, competition wouldn’t even be a thing because there’s an abundance of things in the world for all of us.

Cora: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Lovely. Okay, [00:35:00] so for wrapping up, can you, like, is there, are there any final words, any specific takeaway that you want the audience to have that you wanna leave them with here today? 

Erika: Um, I think that people pleasing isn’t something that you get over and never do it again.  I think both of us consider ourselves recovering people pleasers.

We probably still fall into it sometimes. Sure. And I feel like it’s not, you either are or you’re not. I feel that there are, it’s almost like the spectrum and depending on, sometimes when I’m in a new environment I can maybe lean a little bit more people pleasing. Yeah. And it, it does take practice.

And I think the biggest thing is being compassionate with yourself and. The first step is awareness because you can’t change something that you’re unaware of. Um, and I hope that’s something that the guided visualization supports, um, the, the audience with as well. But having compassion for yourself and knowing.

Even if you slip back into people pleasing, that doesn’t mean that all of the progress that you’ve made has disappeared. Sometimes we have to [00:36:00] slip back into it and then we can get ourselves out of it as well, right? Like there’s times when I’ve committed to things. A perfect example, somebody invited me to go on a a, a race, and I’ve ran a half marathon before, but this was a relay and it was at Zion National Park, and I was so excited about it and I said, yes.

And then I looked into where the, uh, location was, and it was going to be a four and a half hour drive from. The airport that I was going to fly into, and I was going to be at a conference the week before and I had a speaking engagement a few days after. And as soon as I saw how far it was, I was like, I don’t think, I don’t think I can do it.

And I was feeling so guilty and I think it was my people pleasing coming in where I was like, man, I was, that the last team member they were looking for. I said, yes. She was so excited. And now I don’t know if I can do it. And I had to kind of sit with it for, for a couple of hours. Um, I mean, I was doing other things, but I, I let myself kind of think about it and I said, you know what?

I need to be honest with her right now [00:37:00] because again, people pleasing can lead to people hurting if I wait until the week before and then I can’t make it because I’m over in a different country for this conference and have delays that’s going to, I’m gonna leave them short, a runner, and somebody’s going to have to run my 15 miles.

So I sent her a voice note and I was like, I am feeling really bad, but. I looked at how far this was from the airport and based on the events that I have before and after, it’s cutting it really close. And I wanted to let you know as soon as possible, I won’t be able to make it. I hope you can find somebody else.

And of course, she was so receptive to it, right? Yeah. But even like I was feeling so guilty about it. 

Music: Yeah. 

Erika: And even if you do fall back into people pleasing, you can always, you can always make your way out of it as well. Yes. That’s what I would say. 

Cora: Yeah. Well I think that’s, yeah, it’s like, um. It’s just like, it’s just a lifelong journey.

Yeah. It’s just the journey we’re on. Yep. And it’s a muscle that you build. Yeah, exactly. Those pieces. Yeah. Well, Erika, I can’t thank you enough for your [00:38:00] time, um, and sharing your story with us here today and just being part of the summit. Um, yeah, I just, uh, I’m just grateful to you and for all the value that, um, this conversation brought to this audience and yeah, thank you so much.

[00:39:00]