You may say to yourself, “I’m not a controlling person, this isn’t about me.” But the need to control the world around us is a natural part of human nature. We crave control because we think control will bring us certainty, and then that certainty will bring us peace. 

But sometimes you don’t get certainty, no matter how much you try. And instead of freaking out about the uncertainty of it all, we should all try and take a deep breath and look at the situation differently. Believe it or not, you do have more options besides controlling an outcome or stressing out because you can’t control the outcome. It doesn’t always feel that way, but it’s true.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about the real reason you suffer and how to stop. Your need to control the world around you – whether that be your relationships, your employment status, or your job – is causing you unnecessary resistance and keeping you in a perpetual state of suffering. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s learn how to let go of your need to control things and how you can replace it with something more productive. 

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Podcast production for this episode was provided by CCST.

Episode Transcript:

Erika: Hello friends. Welcome back to Chingona Revolution podcast. Today I have an episode for you that I’ve been thinking about over the last few weeks through coaching people as well as in my trip in Chicago, different conversations that I’ve had, and I think this is a really important episode. And today I wanna talk to you about the real reason why it is that you suffer, or the real reason that you feel unhappy or anxious.

And I wanna talk to you about this in different contexts. [00:02:00] So in the context of being a business owner in the context of relationships, in the context of friendships, as well as if you are on the job hunt, if you are creating content, this can come up in all areas of our lives and. The real reason that you suffer, let’s just get right into it, is that actually before I get right into it, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on the podcast and I’ve been doing, reflecting on the name of the podcast and how the name is Chin Our Revolution and you know, a revolution we’ve known historically as in a,Uptaking of the government, right? Like overthrowing the government and replacing it. But I do think that we can also have individual revolutions, and I think this episode is part of this, and the word, if you don’t speak Spanish or if you’re not from Mexico, because the word is also different depending on what country you come from.

But in Mexico, the word chingona is actually a really [00:03:00] positive word. It’s, it’s a little bit of a bad word, but it means badass. Right. So you wouldn’t always say the word badass in, in different places. So like, like they are badass. It, it’s actually a really positive thing. Um, like the, the place we went to ion and that’s some, that’s a way that we would say it, that we, the place we went to is, is really badass.

Like I really liked it. So it is a very positive word in Mexican, Spanish, in other areas of Latin America, though. The word can mean ho or slut. So I actually think it’s, it’s very courageous and rebellious of me to even name the podcast that. But being that there’s been so many shifts going on in our political system in the United States, which is in the United States, which is where most of my listeners are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I talk about on this podcast, and I think it’s worth clarifying what I mean by the name because you are, you’re allowed to listen to this podcast and [00:04:00] take anything you want from it, and I also am a firm believer that you’re allowed to have the views that you wanna have, and they don’t have to agree with mine.

Um, with that being said, this podcast is not about necessarily, um, you know, uh, it’s not really about politics. I don’t really talk about politics. Obviously, there’s some stuff that are inevitable that I do talk about, like women’s rights as well as the immigrant experience, right? These are all hot topics that are going on, but I really want the purpose of this podcast to be.

A badass revolution for women. And what do I mean by that? Or for anybody listening, right? You don’t even have to be a woman. But what I mean by a badass revolution, I mean, stepping into your most authentic self. I mean, speaking up whenever you’ve been afraid to speak up. I mean, really channeling your most brave, highest self that you feel proud of.

This podcast is really about you, [00:05:00] your experience, the story you’re telling yourself about your experience, how you show up in life. Because I’ll tell you what, while we all have the right to vote in the country that we are citizens in, assuming that you’re of age, we don’t have full control over who is in government.

And I can sit here and I could complain about different things, which could increase awareness and it has its positivity, right? I actually have a client whose courage project is to talk about political recent events, and that’s what her social media page is dedicated to, and that is what her purpose is.

For me, as I think about what my purpose is with this podcast is my purpose is to inspire you regardless of the circumstances. The truth is that the person who’s elected into presidency is going to be president for four years unless something changes. I know a lot of us are really hoping something does change, but.

As much as we can sit here and be upset about it, [00:06:00] that’s not really going to cause a lot of change. So I’m more interested in how can you have your own individual revolution? Because when you have your individual revolution, we are all connected. You. When you empower yourself and become the most authentic version of yourself, you’re going to inspire the people around you.

And I really think that the change. That we wanna see. It starts with us, and that’s exactly what I want this podcast to be about. It’s about your self-development revolution. It’s about the revolution of you becoming the most authentic and highest version of yourself, regardless of what is going on outside of you, regardless of who is in political power, regardless of funding being cut, regardless of if you’ve been laid off from a job.

The thing is. In society, we claim we clinging on to these different things like who’s in office and where it is that we’re currently working. And we fail to recognize that change is [00:07:00] inevitable. Who would’ve thought that government funding for nonprofits and for, you know, medical care for elderlys was going to be cut?

Nobody would’ve thought that. Right? So this podcast is all about, regardless of what happens outside of you, how can you. Take care of yourself because it’s nobody else. Nobody else is gonna come and, and save us, right? It’s up to us. And that is really the purpose of this podcast. Damn, I went on a whole rant.

Let’s get back to today’s episode because it’s in line with this, but it’s in line with so much so if you have found yourself feeling anxious, feeling stressed, depressed, sad, the real reason that you are suffering is because you are trying to control. Something outside of you, whether it is a circumstance.

Like who’s in office or what’s happening at your job, or that maybe you were just laid off or maybe you’re trying to control someone else. So this could be [00:08:00] your parents, it could be your siblings, it could be your friends, right? You’re like, oh, why don’t they call me more? Why don’t they text me more? Or maybe it is your romantic partner.

Why can’t they be more romantic? Why can’t they do this? If only they did this, then like the relationship would be great. But at the core, you know, you might be thinking, I’m not a person who tries to control. And the truth is we all try to control at some level because a sense of control makes us feel safe.

But even when we think we are in control, we’re actually not. And when we are trying to control another word for this that I learned a lot when I was in yoga, teacher training is attachment. So we are attached and the reason we suffer is because we want things to be different than the way they are. We are not accepting things as they are.

We are resisting them as they are, and that resistance is what causes suffering. So let’s go over a few examples that I wrote down so that you can see. Maybe you’re like, oh, no, that’s not me. No, I accept what is it? [00:09:00] Is what it is. Maybe you’re saying that, but I think you might feel called out with some of these, because I’m even being called out in many of these and I’ll, I’ll tell you which ones they are because I, I’ve seen this.

Come up in my coaching over the last month, and I think we’re just in an era of such uncertainty that we want certainty. We want to feel like we are in control, but we never actually have certainty. And I’ve talked about this on the podcast in the past, but nobody knew that 2020 was gonna be a global pandemic year.

None of us were like, yep, this year I’m gonna stay home and I’m not gonna go anywhere. That was so not our vibe. 

All right. Before I go into the examples, I have something to share that just happened and actually is a great example of attachment. And not ex not. So the opposite of attachment is non-attachment. So I am record. I was nine minutes into the podcast and then I looked down and I [00:10:00] realized that my microphone, even though it’s plugged in my microphone was not being utilized.

So I’m in an area that’s. Pretty echoy. So you may hear a difference between the audio now versus the audio before, but I’m limited on time because I have a meeting, I have, uh, things to do with, with my mom, and I was actually supposed to have somebody as a guest on the podcast, and then they got sick.

 couldn’t come. So this is the last minute podcast I’m trying to squeeze in. And when I saw that my podcasting mic wasn’t plugged in, I was resisting the truth. I was like, okay, how is this possible? And why didn’t I double check before I got started? Here I go again. I’ve done this in the past, right?

And that is a moment of attaching to like what you wish would have happened instead of accepting what is. And I’ve gotten a lot better at this because I’ve been in business for a while and I’ve, I’ve made so many mistakes, honestly, all like my team has made massive mistakes too, and I’m like, I’ve gotten to the [00:11:00] point where I’m like, it is what it is, and I’m able to accept it a lot easier.

But I can feel that ounce of. Of regret and regret is also resisting what has happened, not accepting what has happened, which is exactly in the theme that we’re talking about today. So right now, as I noticed, I wasn’t using my podcasting mic. I felt this sense of regret and not wanting to accept that it was reality and getting mad at myself because I didn’t double check.

But you know what? We’re just gonna roll with it. We’re just gonna go with the flow because even if it was a little bit echoy, it’s better for you to hear this podcast episode without perfect audio than for me to not put it out. I’m a huge believer in done is better than perfect. So that is me literally working through, going from attachment to non-attachment. Okay, let’s go through the examples that I was going to give you. So let’s say that you are a business owner. How is it that attachment and trying to control shows up? Well, the first thing [00:12:00] is you want certainty, right? You want, um, income that’s coming in consistently, and any business owner will tell you that it is very rare.

For you to have consistent income as a business. Even if you work for a business and you are on payroll, you’re getting a paycheck every two weeks, every month, however often you get paid. But the business itself, it has its high seasons, it’s low seasons. And then things happen, right? Recessions happen, global pandemics happen.

So the first thing is that you want to control your income and you wanna control it because you want consistent income. That is a perfect example of wanting control of the situation and attaching to something that you want to happen. Another example for a business owner is that you want your customers or your leads to act in the way that you want.

I’m gonna give you an example. I’ve had a lot of sales calls and consult calls for courage driven Latina because we just closed doors and people were asking me. Valid [00:13:00] questions. They were asking me, I’m already in another program. Does it even make sense to join right now? They were asking, how do I know that this program is going to work for me?

They were also asking, how do I know that you’re the right coach that can help take me to the next level? And I’ve seen clients of mine be in similar situations where they are almost offended at these questions, but. People who are going to spend money with you are allowed to ask you questions.

And I have to remind myself of that every time I’ve had people who’ve come and had consult calls with me and not signed up and come again and done another consult call and then not signed up. And then eventually they sign up. And it’s so easy in the moment of when they don’t sign up to be like, you know what?

I’m not even gonna let them in anymore. I don’t even wanna work with them. And I’ve seen this happen with my clients almost like this pettiness of like. You’re not, you’re not acting the way I want you to act. Okay? I’m going to then change the way that I’m acting. And that’s another example of [00:14:00] trying to control.

Let’s jump to another example. Let’s say that you are, um, in a relationship, let’s start with romantic relationships. Maybe you want to. Change the way that your romantic partner is speaking to you, or maybe you want them to bring you flowers, or maybe you want them to be a better listener, or maybe you want them to take out the trash, right?

That is you wanting to control how it is that they act, how it is that they treat you, how it is that they speak to you, and why is it that we even want this? Right? I, I forgot to mention this part. Why is it that we want. A romantic partner to be more romantic, to help us with the trash to do more things around the house.

Why is it that we want to know that our business is gonna have consistent income? How? Why is it that we want our customers to act the way that we want? And the real reason is because we think that when we have this, we’re going to have peace. Remember, we’re all, we’re talking about the [00:15:00] real reason that we suffer and the real reason that we suffer is because we’re trying to control circumstances and other people, we’re gonna continue with the examples, but you think, okay, I would not suffer if everybody just acted the way they needed to act or if everybody just did what they needed to do.

But the thing is, that is your interpretation of what other people should do. That’s not what they have to do. It’s what you want them to do. So again, this is why your suffering comes from you trying to control circumstances and people. Let’s say that you are, okay, actually, let’s continue with relationships.

Maybe friendships. Let’s say that you have a group of friends and you want them to call you more, or you feel like you’re always planning. Well, if they called you more, if they initiated more, if they planned outings with you more, then you would feel. Like they are good friends. You’d feel loved. You’d feel wanted, right?

So that feeling that you would get when people act the way you want them to act, is at the root, a sense of [00:16:00] peace. You’re like, oh, I would just feel, you know, I just wish my friends called me more, and then I’d be at peace, and then I’d be happy, and then I’d be blah, blah, blah. But at the core, it’s really all about about peace and not suffering.

Um, let’s say that you are on a job search. This has been coming up a lot inside of my program ’cause a lot of people are in the middle of career pivots. and they want to control when they’re gonna get a job, how they’re gonna get the job, how much they’re gonna get paid at the job. Like really just wanting to control the situation of the job search, wanting certainty as to when is the job going to come.

Am I wasting my time? Am I doing the right thing? this is an example of trying to control, and the reason that you want certainty is because you think, oh, once I have certainty, once I know what’s gonna happen, then I’m going to be at peace, but.

We don’t know what’s going to happen. Right. And I had one specific client that was like, I gave myself a deadline. I gave myself, I think her deadline was six months. She’s like, I had, I gave myself six months to find a job and I just [00:17:00] need certainty that this is, I’m on the right track, that I’m doing the right thing.

And I already hit the six month mark and I’m freaking out. And I asked her, you know, like, where did the six months come from? And she was like, I made it up. I was like, okay. So you made up a number and because you didn’t hit the number that you made up. Uh, now there’s resistance and now you’re suffering.

And now you are like really in this spiral of, feeling defeated. When if she just made up the months of six months, she could literally just make up one more month, two more months, three more months, right? Funny enough, we really coached her on releasing her attachment and accepting uncertainty and really just staying in the present moment and really accepting what is right and looking at this from a different situation.

’cause she was saying like, oh, I’ve been applying for jobs and nothing has worked out. And I’m like, but it’s not like you have been doing nothing. You have. Improved your, resume, your cover letters, your interview [00:18:00] skills. She had a lot of interviews and then she got a lot of coaching that week on the call, and then one week later she had a job offer.

Isn’t that funny? It took six months and a week, but it was, the reason there was so much suffering is because there was attachment to like, oh, I said I was going to do it in six months, and now what are other people going to think about me? So do you see how the real reason we suffer is because we are simply just trying to control circumstances, people wanting certainty, but we have no control over that.

It’s only hurting us two and, and wasting energy to say. I just need to know, I need the certainty, or let’s say that you’re creating content, right? Maybe you create a piece of content and then one piece of content does really good and then you are craving virality, like you wanna go viral all the time.

You’re like, yeah, I already posted [00:19:00] one video that did well, so the rest of these need to do well as well. Or, I spend all this time on on a video and it only got X amount of likes. That is an example of also trying to control or feeling attachment to the outcome. And according to many different studies, um, especially again, when I was studying yoga, we, we talked a lot about attachment and non-attachment.

And attachment is exactly the core of what leads to suffering. So I, I would really have you all ask yourself the question of what is it that I’m currently attached to? What am I clinging to that I can just let go of? Because again, the real reason that we suffer is because we’re trying to control and we’re attached to our.

Our idea of a desired outcome, and why is it that we want that to happen? Because we think we’re going to feel peace when we have it,

but as much as we try, we cannot control other people and we cannot control circumstances. So the best [00:20:00] thing that you can do is if it’s somebody else. Right? Oh, one of the things I wanted to say about a partner, let me, let me just jump back to that. Let’s say you’re in a romantic partnership. And you want them to do certain things, but you’ve never told them.

Okay, y’all. Come on. We gotta help. We gotta help the partner out a little bit, right? Let’s say, oh, I have a perfect example. Let’s say that your partner leaves to go to work in the morning, and it would be really meaningful to you for them to come and give you a kiss before they leave, and they don’t do that.

And you are making up all these stories about why it is that they don’t come and give you a kiss before they leave and you never talk to them about it. Well, you have your own story and they have their own story. And or their reason. And because it’s not communicated, there’s a lot of resistance, right?

And again, it’s like this idea of attachment and, but let’s say that the real reason that your partner isn’t coming to give you a kiss before they leave is because they don’t wanna wake you up. [00:21:00] What if maybe in a previous relationship the person asked them, Hey, I, I know you leave before I do, but, uh, you, you disrupt my sleep whenever you come and give me a kiss.

So, um, just like send me a text later in the day and I would appreciate that. Right? So you’ve made up a story of what’s happening and the reality is something totally different. So I’m not saying like, accept everything that is and don’t ask for what you need. Ask for what you need. If you are a manager at work and then your employee isn’t doing their job, you could give them feedback.

That’s not what we’re saying about non-attachment. What we’re saying is. Whenever you are having expectations of other people and trying to control situations that you have no control over, that’s really what is causing the suffering. But you are human. You are an adult human being, and you are allowed to ask for what.

You need from other people. And if they give it to you, great. And if not, that is a perfect [00:22:00] moment to experience non-attachment, right? Like, let’s just stick with the, the theme of romantic relationships. Let’s say you are in a toxic relationship, maybe you’re in an abusive relationship, maybe like a, you know, emotionally abusive, or it could even be physically abusive.

We don’t wanna use the. We don’t want to use this idea of non-attachment, of like, okay, I’m not gonna try to control, I’m just gonna let them be who they are. No, no, no. It’s, it’s like, let them be who they are and then decide what you wanna do as a result. So if this is a work situation. Let them be who they are.

Ask them what you need from them, and then let them respond the way they want. And after that, you can decide if you keep this employee or not. If it’s a romantic relationship, you can ask for what you need, and if they can give it to you, great. And if not, it’s you up to you. Do you wanna work through this or are you going to accept the person they are instead of trying to control and change them?

Or if it’s content, right? And you’re trying to control your, your [00:23:00] audience, you, you have to accept it like it is what it is. At some point, you have to look at, okay, what about my content? Do I have influence over and can I change to make it more engaging or more impactful? So I’m not saying just accept what is and just let yourself sit there.

But what I am saying is obsessing over trying to control things that you have no control over is what’s causing your. Suffering. So I would have you reflect on what circumstances or people are in my life that I am trying to change right now, and then ask yourself, do I really have control over changing this?

Yes or no? And maybe you have control over certain things, right? Maybe you have control over your reaction, the way that you engage with this person, how often you see them. How you think about the situation, but you don’t have control over other things, right? Like we don’t have control right now over who is in office.

What you do have control over is maybe organizing a protest or creating some type of [00:24:00] movement, right? These are the things that you do have control over. We can’t change who our partner is. The best thing we can do is ask for what we need and then allow them to react the way that they want. And this is very much in theme with, um.

You know, the non-attachment, but also trying to control, I mean this, this is ancient wisdom that I’m talking to you about it in more modern day, but even the new book from Mel Robbins, let them. That’s actually a great example of non-attachment. She just modernized it really well as well. Um, as well as, let’s see, I think it’s, um, was it Socrates who, who also talked about this, who’s a, I mean, I don’t know.

He’s one of the first philosophers that we, that we know about. Um, also like different psychology talks about, about this. So I’m talking to you about this. Wisdom, wisdom that exists and you can implement this wisdom in your life using those reflection questions that that I gave [00:25:00] you. Alright, y’all, I hope you enjoyed this podcast episode.

I will see you next week. Have a good one.