Are you unlucky in love and looking to make a courageous change? If so, this episode is for you. We’re talking all about relationship do’s and don’ts, how to compromise, and how to align with your values. You have to know yourself before you can get to know anyone else and that’s exactly what we’re learning with this week’s guest Karina F. Daves.

Karina F. Daves is a relationship coach who teaches women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships. As a relationship coach, Karina leverages her experience as both a former social worker and adjunct women’s studies professor to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so they can elevate themselves and their relationships. Karina’s work has amassed more than 230,000 followers across her social media platforms, and her videos have reached close to 25 million viewers, with 500,000 views in this month alone. When Karina is not creating content or working with clients, you can catch her dancing in her kitchen with her family soaking up God’s blessings and miracles.

Listen to this week’s episode to break up your checklist relationship and become more courageous while dating. 

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Connect with Karina:
IG: http://www.instagram.com/karinafdaves
TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@karinafdaves

Website: http://www.karinafdaves.com

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Website:
www.theerikacruz.com

Follow Erika on:
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How to work with Erika:
Join the waitlist for Courage Driven Latina here.

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Podcast production for this episode was provided by CCST.

Episode Transcript

Karina F Daves: This is ideal to start this podcast episode like this. Welcome back to the Chingona Revolution with your podcast host, the one, the only, the magnetic Erica Cruz. Erica, 

Erika Cruz: how are you? Did my guest just introduce the host? What just, what is happening? Of course this would happen with none other than Karina F.

Daves. Damn, this conversation is past due. it should have happened a long time ago because every time you and I get together Any conversation we have could literally be a podcast episode. And I feel like the universe, God, source, spirit has just brought us together. So many different times from when we first started working together in 2020 in my Tik TOK course.

And then when we both joined the mastermind together and then went to Puerto Rico twice together, how amazing. 

Karina F Daves: We did do that. Yeah, I feel we did. Thousand percent. Every time Erica and I get together, we’re just unstoppable. And it’s like these creative juices just start flowing. And it’s so interesting because we dive deep into this wonderful marriage of relationship and business.

And we’re like, yeah, but what about this? And what about this? And you’re like, well, what about this? And I’m like, yeah, but what about this? And then we just go back and forth. And I think that there is just this fundamental amount of love and so much respect. And I would say that you and I have one of the, what’s that word where people, one of the least maintenance friendships, but when we get together, it’s as if we’ve been talking for the last year, like it’s so interesting and I’m, I feel so blessed that we’re friends and you’re right.

That I’m excited to talk about all things, relationships and business. 

Erika Cruz: I can’t wait. So I feel like most people who are listening to this podcast already know who you are, but let’s say that somebody doesn’t know who Karina is, can you please introduce yourself? 

Karina F Daves: Yes. Okay. So why I love Erica because she calls me what my entire family calls me, which is Karina.

my name is Karina F. Daves and I am a relationship coach, speaker and podcaster of a host of one day at a time. And I help women overcome their number one conflict in their relationships because a better relationship starts with a better you. 

Erika Cruz: Ooh, that is such, such a good elevator pitch. So concise, very to the point.

And that is exactly what you do. And the other thing about Karina is not only is she a coach, but she, and a speaker, she’s a phenomenal speaker. Oh my gosh. We were both at Dream Lab together as well. Remember, that was the first time that I got to see you speak and I was so blown away. You have such a way of connecting with the audience and making people feel something.

I feel like you take me to the church I want to be at whenever you’re speaking. And it’s just beautiful. So you are extremely gifted, you are extremely intuitive, and such a loving, loving person. Anytime Karina’s speaking, I’m just like… Ears are up. It’s you know, whenever dogs hear something in their ears pick up, I feel like that’s what happens to me.

So tell us a little bit about your early childhood, not early childhood, but tell us a little bit, you’re so good at telling your story. Tell us a summarized version of your story because I want to get into relationships and into business. But today who we see Carina as this. amazing speaker, this individual who’s an influencer and creating this amazing, impactful content.

This isn’t who you always were. And even before 2020, you weren’t this person. you didn’t have this huge following. So tell us a little bit about your early life and your journey to how you got to where you are. 

Karina F Daves: Oh, such a good question. okay. So I am originally from Peru, Callao, Peru, where, Peru has the best of each.

I’m just going to say, I don’t care who’s listening. we have the best ceviche and everywhere that I’ve traveled to with Erica, there has always been a Peruvian plate, like a little mix, Puerto Rico. Everywhere we go, there is a Peruvian rendition. Okay. We are, I don’t know what name did you give us?

We have Peruvian food has like a Michelin status. I don’t know. You always say that it’s like a long word with a G or something You’ll figure it out. But anyways 

Erika Cruz: We went to a restaurant in Puerto Rico that was a Michelin-star restaurant. I’m pretty sure. And then it’s that Peru has, I want to say the majority of, top restaurants in the world.

And I think you have the most amount of Michelin star. Don’t quote me on that. I’m not sure if you have the most amount of Michelin-star restaurants, but I know that globally Peru has some of the top restaurants in 

Karina F Daves: the world. I will figure out that word. So I’m originally from, Peru and I came to the States in the nineties.

it’s a long story why my parents are together, but it was pretty much like a setup and they decided to be together. And by the time we got here, it just was extremely toxic and they, my parents are amazing parents. They’re just not good together and they’re actually amazing co-parents. Their divorce was pretty clean.

They never really talked crap about each other or argued about like time and stuff like that. I was about 10 years old when they got divorced. I have been throwing glorious stuff on concerts in my living room since I was about, I don’t know. Six, seven years old. And so I think that’s really where a lot of my speaking and performing, practice came from.

I’ve always loved performing. And 

Erika Cruz: I did not know this about you. 

Karina F Daves: Yes. Gloria Stefan’s one of her first out, not her first album, but she has a silver dress on it where turn the beat around was. that album, I know it like the back of my hand. So I used to give tickets. Only my dad would show up. and he was the one cheering me on.

And so by the time I got to school, I was very just I would say outspoken with my teacher, but never really that much in class. I went to a predominantly white school and didn’t really feel like I fit in as most immigrant, immigrant children can share with y’all. By the time I reached eighth grade, I moved to a town called Union, New Jersey.

And this is where I really feel like God, source, whomever you believe in, you know, really, aligned the cards for us because we only moved to this town for a year and a half. But this was the town where I met my husband, Terrence. We were, I don’t know if Erica knows this story. We were 13 and I saw this hot guy walking down the hallway with an ROTC suit.

I was like, yummy. And I’ve always been very like, when it comes to dating, like I know what I want and I know who I am. So that’s why I’m a relationship coach. So Terrence comes walking down the hallway and at this school, it was very diverse. So I very much felt like myself. My curls were out and I literally was just like, Hi, I’m Karina.

I think you’re cute. I think we should date. And he straight up was like, yeah, I’ve seen you around. And we dated for about a year. And then I moved. My parents lost their home. And this is where my relationship with wealth and money started. My mom would go bankrupt for the second time. My dad had already gone bankrupt during their divorce.

Both of them had, and then we moved, to a basement again. And I actually am in a mastermind with Erica and I was sharing recently that basements for me signify, such a deep relationship with money because it means that like we lost it all. And so we lived in basements several moments in our lives, but my mom would always pick herself back up.

And then I graduated. I went back to a predominantly white high school. I graduated, went off to college. And if you grew up with very strict parents, when you go off to college, you just go crazy. And that’s what I did. I went crazy in college. And I was very good at giving presentations and negotiating my grade.

And so I was always very good at listen, I know it’s a 79, but come on, we can, what can I do here? And so I was very good at creating interpersonal relationships with my professors and my instructors, like just so good at that. And it wasn’t a form of favoritism. I really saw it as a form of relationship building.

And I got chosen, to be a part of many programs. I got, scholarships. I was a part of the women’s Institute for leadership. One of 13 kids. I was also chosen as, one of the top 13 graduates of the 30, 000 people that graduated from my university, like the top 13 out of the four years.

Like I was, I had a lot of accolades, but what this did was it built a very slowly, perfectionist. Right over time where like I was just searching for the next goal the next checklist and so for me I was just like oh, I really I know what I want a guy with a PhD and we’re gonna live in this house and blah blah blah and then one day I Was in college and my husband sent me a Facebook request And I was like, listen, I can’t be with you right now because I’m going to get pregnant.

And Erica knows this story and I was like, I’m gonna get pregnant and I love you so much. I really need to finish college Well, then by that time When he came back around after I graduated I was in graduate school he pursued me again, and I said I can’t be with you now because I’ll get pregnant and I really have to get my master’s.

And so during that period, I moved to Delaware, got a job in Delaware, and was in a very toxic relationship that ended up in domestic violence that forced me back to move back to New Jersey and everything I had built, I had lost. And so, I was in this roommate situation and I was making 15 an hour, which I had worked my way up to a salary job and I was feeling like crap, to be honest with you, making not a lot of money and having to start over and then.

My husband ended up on my Instagram, like you should connect page and I was on my way to a missions trip and I hit him up and I was like, Hey, like we should be friends, like connect. And by the time I came back from Uganda. He had not accepted my friend request. So then I texted him like hello. What’s up?

And he texted right back and I said I would like to see you this Wednesday for a nightcap So we could talk and we talked and four months after that date we got married And this is where we are now, 11 years old. 

Erika Cruz: Oh my goodness. Okay, can we just go back to 13-year-old Karina and the courage that it took for you to go up to this hot man and say, Hey, I like you.

I think we should start dating. Where do you think that courage came from for you to just be able to clearly state what it is that you wanted or it’s one thing to know, right, it’s one thing to know what you want and it’s another thing to then ask for it. How did you have the courage to ask for what you want?

Karina F Daves: Because I had watched so many people around me lose. And I felt like that’s such a good question because I feel like thinking back to 13-year-old me, I had nothing to lose. And I feel like the courage that I had, which I need to tap into more was that I just had nothing to lose during that period and watching everybody lose financially, lose homes, lose jobs.

It just. instilled like such a superpower in me that I didn’t fear it. I was just like, I have nothing to lose. 

Erika Cruz: Wow. And do you think that as we get older, we start to think we have things to lose and that’s why we stay in our comfort zone and in our safety? Yeah. 

Karina F Daves: Wow. This is a real moment. This is like a moment right now.

Erika Cruz: Yeah. You’re so right. Because the moment that somebody goes through a horrible heartbreak or they lose the love of their life, that’s usually when they Take the action that they had been stopping themselves from taking, right? That’s when they go to the gym, start the business, prioritize themselves. Yeah.

Karina F Daves: Wow. Yeah. And I think the perfectionist in me over the years has tried to build so much. And make sure that I don’t lose it. But sometimes you don’t realize how much your courage is being affected by that perfectionism. and I’ve told Erica this, I’m definitely a recovering perfectionist, like a recovering controller, like none of those, personalities really served me.

And so I would say that the last, three years I’ve been in much more of a spirit of surrender. And, very grateful for that, but the speaker that you see today, you know, and I’ve shared this before and listen, you can believe me or not, but I promise you, I know it’s like my body, but it’s definitely God’s gift speaking through me, like half the time when I’m on stage, I don’t remember.

Erica was actually sitting in the back, and every single time, and she can attest to this, every single time I would come sit back down, she would put her hand on my back, and she’d be like, are you okay? And I would be like, yeah, because I wouldn’t, half the time, I wouldn’t even recognize.

What was happening and it wasn’t like I wasn’t living in the moment. It was just such a powerful, I don’t know, energy, spirit, whatever you want to believe in that would take over this, come on, sentimiento tan grande to want to serve and perk up those ears and wake people up and let them know that abundance is waiting for you.

Love is waiting for you. Courage is waiting for you. Like stuff is waiting for you. I need you to wake up. so yeah, that 

Erika Cruz: was beautifully said. You were just so connected and really just being used as a vessel for what people needed to hear. And when I’ve gone on stage, I can attest to when I’ve gone on stage, I can attest to the same where I sometimes have no idea what I just said.

And actually what helps calm my nerves is I just say, Universe, use me as a vessel, please just use me to say whatever these people need to hear because I trust you and I know that you have my back and that just makes me feel so much more, you know, like I could breathe now like I could just show up because I’m nothing more than a vessel and this is much bigger than me and I think some of the best speakers are those who you.

aren’t on stage because of their ego, but they’re on stage to impact the people who are listening. And when we put our focus on the people who are listening, it’s, that’s how you become such a powerful speaker. And I’ve seen you do that over and over. Like I watched you when we were at Janice’s summit at the Yo Quiero Dinero summit, our money, our power, how you would.

Come back and read the room. Like you would really read the room. You would take notes on what you wanted to say, but you were just connected and in flow. And you’re right. Like you did not look nervous at all. You would just get up and you would speak and damn, you really did a great job.

Karina F Daves: Thank you. I love you. And thank you for being there for me. That meant so much to me. Of course. 

Erika Cruz: So, let’s get into relationships. You coach a lot of people on relationships. You’ve gone viral many times. Beyonce’s mom reposted your reel about relationships. What are the Stories that people tell themselves about relationships that do not help them.

So you and I both use, you know, the self-coaching model, right? So what is the unintentional thought and that unhelpful story that people are saying to themselves that you’ve seen over and over? And I’m sure there’s a variety of stories, but what are some of the things that you think the listeners might be telling themselves about relationships that isn’t serving them?

Karina F Daves: Okay, I got this. I’m thinking of two. One is that my partner is the source of my happiness.

Damn. that’s definitely one of the biggest conflicts I see. And sometimes it’s so unintentional, but what happens is like that is super connected to the wedding, the ring, the house, the kids, the job, like it’s super connected to so many things that you are unintentionally putting on your partner an intense amount of pressure.

To be your source when that’s just so wrong to do, but so many of us do it unintentionally. I’ve done it before so I get that. the second thing I would say. Is a lot of people get stuck in a checklist relationship where in their minds, as soon as the relationship falls off track from the vision that they initially had, this relationship would go, it spirals them out uncontrollably to where they can’t even decide if they want to leave or stay.

Erika Cruz: Wow. It’s so crazy because we have checklists at work, but it’s not like we’re at work in a relationship. Yeah. Right. We have checklists for our business, but. We shouldn’t have a checklist for our partner. So, okay, going to the first thought that you said of, you know, my partner is my source for my happiness.

I think some of the ways that we see this manifest as well is maybe a partner will say something along the lines of, if he only did this, then we’d be fine. Right? And it’s like almost trying to control where, or making it conditional. So how do we know the difference between compromise? And accepting people as they are, how do you find that balance?

Because nobody is going to be perfect. No partner is going to be perfect. So at what point do you just fully accept people? And then at what point do you communicate to ask them to adjust the way that they’re acting and to compromise? 

Karina F Daves: I want you to first really think about your identity and your values.

And this is what I coach my clients through, which is like these three key things. Once you have these three key things down, it is going to set you super successfully to be in a relationship. One, you need to know who you are, your identity to, you need to know what you want, which are your values. And three, you need to know how you want it, which are your standards for that value, right?

Your stand, like if one of your values is. What’s the level of respect that is required to be in a relationship for you? Are we talking hold the door type of respect? Are we talking? Are we talking about like never call you out your name? You know, what is your level of respect if that’s within your value?

And then here’s the other thing to answer your question about how do we know the compromise? I’m telling you to not compromise. What I’m telling you to do is to surrender. Allow your partner. If you’re right now. In your car at home, wherever you listen to this podcast, if you are with your partner and you are upset about who they are, I want you to allow them to continue being who they are.

You know why? Because the more that you allow your partner to be their full, true selves, the sooner that you can get the. answers that you need about the decisions that you need to make. And the only reason that the top reason why people don’t make this decision any sooner is because they fear that the big sign of this was a waste of time is waiting for them on the other side of that decision.

But this was not a waste of time because you learned a lot of things about yourself. your partner in this relationship. So some of us hold on because we fear the fact that it might be a waste of time. some of us hold on because of security, like it’s a financial security or relationship security, or we feel like why, you know, we want to be in a relationship right now, if you, if we work on your identity and we work on your values.

Then we can divorce from that attachment and that need to be in this relationship. But the answer isn’t necessarily to compromise. It’s just to surrender your partner, to allow them to be who they want to be. Erica’s right. There is no perfect partner in the goal in your relationship is not perfectionism.

It will always be progress, but I want you to understand that when you surrender your partner, it’s not a form of compromise as a form of acceptance. How much are you accepting that is aligning with your values, right? So for example, when I was telling you about who I imagined myself to be with, I always knew I wanted to be with a guy with a PhD.

When I met my husband taught me that I needed to relinquish those ideologies that I had because where did they come from? They came from a very cultural perspective of being told that I could only be with men of certain status, educational status, that only they could take care of me. But where that come from, that was rooted in fear to make sure that little Karina that migrated from Peru was always going to be taken care of.

That’s where that came from. And when I realized that I was like, Oh my gosh. I’ve been missing out on being in so many relationships because I’m in this box. Right. And so when I met my husband, he, He went to high school, he graduated high school, he didn’t go to college. And I remember thinking to myself, I need to let go of this superficial value that like, isn’t serving me and ask myself, why is it a value?

And when I really dug in, I didn’t want it to be a value anymore. You know? 

Erika Cruz: Yes. Oh, that’s so powerful. You and I have talked about this where, you know, sometimes immigrant parents really value education more than anything. And it’s, you know, not just education, whatever it is that your parents value, especially if they’re immigrants, the reasons they value is because they think that by you having it, that’s going to give you safety.

So that’s just huge that you were able to recognize that and then question it. does this value still fit? For me, because a lot of us are walking around carrying values that our parents instilled in us without even asking ourselves, is this an alignment with me? 

Karina F Daves: Yes. And I’ll just share something that I’ve only shared, I think like once or twice in my content, because it’s very difficult to talk about.

Terrence and I were actually, not in a good place about this one topic, which was about having more kids. So I have two beautiful stepdaughters and I have, and we together have two sons. I always knew that I wanted three kids. I never questioned why so after Levi the pandemic happened and I was set on having another child And during that time my younger sister had gotten a blood cancer.

She moved in with me. I was starting my business There were so many things that were happening and I was still very much set on like I want another kid And Terrence would he wouldn’t like Battle me in a bad way, but he would challenge me He would challenge me to challenge myself and it very softly So he would ask me questions like have you ever asked yourself why?

You want so many kids why you want a big family why this one is like feels? Different than the other two decisions you made and i’m like no and he’s like maybe you should he’s listen i’m down for whatever but something is telling me something in my spirit is telling me That this isn’t the right call and when I did the inner work when I prayed about it And this is we’re talking about two and a half years of us going back and forth about this.

I realized Which is sad, but it is what it is. I realized that the only reason why I wanted a third child was because I wanted it to fill the void that I had growing up, of growing up in a small family. Of feeling like it was only a couple of us that were here in the States and we had very little Christmases and very little holidays.

And I felt like I just wanted a humongous family. And that third child would fill up that void when I had Levi and TJ, it didn’t feel like that. It felt very organic. It was just, it felt just aligned. But the third one felt very, that third one felt very forced just to check off a box to heal little Karina.

And I, maybe other people do this. I don’t know. And I’m not judging anybody, but I don’t want to bring anybody into this world to fill up a void. Yeah. 

Erika Cruz: Do you feel stuck in your life or business and aren’t sure what’s next for you? Do you feel like everyone seems to have things figured out, but you feel like you’re missing something? I totally hear you. I was in your exact shoes just a few years ago, and this is why I’ve created my coaching programs.

Courage Driven Latina is a 12-month group coaching program designed to help you take action on your courage project in just 90 days. Whether you’re in the middle of a life transition, struggling with self doubt, tired of starting and stopping a project, or feeling lonely in your goals and dreams, then this program is for you.

A courage project can be starting a business, launching a podcast, starting your healing journey, or building the confidence to date after a divorce. 

No matter the project, my courage framework will help you overcome any obstacles and help you make your dreams a reality. Inside of Courage Driven Latina, you will build confidence, courage, and find a supportive community of driven women cheering you on every step of the way.

Magnetic Mastermind is my advanced program for women entrepreneurs and leaders. 

This program is for those of you who have already started, but are ready to grow without the hustle. You’ll improve your strategy, spirituality, and self. You’ll use my magnetic framework to attract, not chase, dream clients and opportunities.

 Remember, you are the creator of your reality. Don’t let procrastination hold you back any longer.

Go to TheEricaCruz. com, that’s Erica with a K, under work with me. It’s also linked down below in the show notes where you can learn more about these programs. You can join the wait list and you will be the first to know when we open the doors. 

 I cannot wait to work with you. Now let’s get back to the show.

Wow. How beautiful that pushback and that conflict turned into something very beautiful, a realization and something for you to work on and something for you to heal because without it was almost like Terrence was that flashlight, you know, showing flashing the light into the shadow that maybe you weren’t looking at how beautiful.

Karina F Daves: And that’s why we need partners that like, what do I say besides strong, we need partners that will also stand up for themselves. I’ve witnessed many relationships where one person is extremely dominant and you can tell if the other person is just following. You need a partner that’s going to challenge you softly.

And put you in your place because your relationship is your mirror. Your marriage is your mirror, a thousand percent. 

Erika Cruz: Yes. Yes. So, okay. I wanted to get into this, but I feel like this is probably a good time to get into it. there’s two main things I want to talk about. But first, you just mentioned a mirror, so I think we should go there.

I think this is the one place where… Business and relationships have a similarity in that they are both mirrors and opportunities for us to work on ourselves. And in my opinion, it is the, they are both the forms of spiritual, what am I, of awakenings and the biggest forms of self-development that you could go through becoming an entrepreneur and being a business owner and being in a relationship.

Have you seen this in your life and with your clients? 

Karina F Daves: Yes, absolutely. You’re talking about, have I seen them as they do the work? It just be such an awakening of them. Yeah. 

Erika Cruz: So as people get into relationships, it, the thing is, business is going to trigger you and relationships are going to trigger you, right?

Oh, definitely. But triggers are teachers. So how have you seen, being that we’re both business owners and that you work with people in relationships, how is it that these two, Things bring up so much for us to work on it within ourselves. 

Karina F Daves: Yeah. So my husband’s a race car driver and I’m so proud and so happy for him, but he started his hobby and I’m not calling my business by hobby, but he started his passion before I started my passion.

And because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And at the time I was an adjunct teaching women’s global leadership and working on nine to five, and we had just had, our first son, I just felt I don’t know. I felt like it. I didn’t want to search for my passion just because he was searching for his I didn’t want it to be a tit for tat.

And so I just wanted to take time to step back. And when I took time to step back is when I just got into this really bad journey of like Erica knows the story. I broke my foot. I lost hearing. It was just a lot. It’s a long medical journey. and I ended up being sick for about two years. And through that time of just being quiet and watching him win, I really had to work on my support and how I show up as a supportive partner because his passion and his drive was triggering.

Was triggering to me and I had to ask myself why and it came down to this conversation where him and I were talking and I asked him, what do you want to be when you grow up? And he said a race car driver and I’m like, that’s so stupid. And he’s like, why? And I’m like, because it’s not like a nine to five.

It’s not like a job. It’s not like a career. And he was like, yeah, but we have the privilege. Of just being whatever we want. And I’m like, we do. And you see, like I had put passions and business and all those things like in a box and my relationship not only triggered me, but as Erica mentioned, it taught me a lot that I can dream outside of the box and with my clients, I’ve watched as many of their relationships have triggered them.

To have an awakening to discover themselves. And I think plenty of times when we’re frustrated in our relationships, we just want to leave and I totally get that. But sometimes we can also use that relationship to leverage the identity rediscovering journey of ourselves that the world is trying to take you on.

Cause if you think about it, right, if your relationship is triggering. And you’re super upset about it and you don’t know what it is, as opposed to ending it and then just starting a new one, use it as the very tool to just start your own. And listen, if your partner is triggered now by your journey, that’s a whole different conversation, but our relationship can be used and leveraged in so many areas.

And I love how you mentioned a trigger as a teacher. 

Erika Cruz: Yeah. Have you found that when people just leave a relationship because it gets uncomfortable, they just end up in the same situation again and again?

Karina F Daves: Thousand percent thousand percent or they end up in relationships where they’re controlling the relationship like they’ll find somebody who will be Controlled and it’s really sad.

I mean I’ve witnessed it many times and I feel really bad but I don’t you know to each their own so and I know plenty of us We including me in the beginning of my marriage. We try to control our relationship because we don’t want it to end But if you didn’t control it, then you could get so many answers about the relationship and if it’s for you or not.

Erika Cruz: Exactly. Oh my gosh. This reminds me of my pizza analogy. Like what you’re describing right now. It’s like at the beginning of a relationship, we’re looking at our partner’s pizza and removing the toppings that we don’t like and putting the ones that we want on there. But we’re not looking at their authentic pizza.

So it’s like we’re trying to create the partner we want instead of seeing who they actually are. Because in the end, you can’t keep hiding who you are. You can’t keep changing who you are. Eventually your authenticity is going to come up. And why not? See their authenticity. Why not see their full, like their actual pizza with their toppings from the beginning?

Because that is what’s going to save us so much heartache, right? Because trying to control things isn’t fun either.

 Trying to control people, it takes so much effort and energy, and that’s not fun. That’s not the relationship that you want to be in. One where you feel like you have to control. Like, how peaceful can it feel to just be yourself and let your partner be 

Karina F Daves: themselves?

Yeah, and also, the third biggest issue that I’ve seen in relationships is, what’s the word I want to use? Assumptions. We make a lot of assumptions about each other and nobody wants to go to the source, nobody, like I’m talking about the actual person. Nobody wants to say what’s on their mind, like nobody, like I, I literally two hours ago, maybe three hours ago, I called my husband because I wanted to FaceTime him about how great my butt looked in the shorts that I’m wearing.

And he didn’t pick up. I 

Erika Cruz: love Karina. Okay. 

Karina F Daves: He didn’t pick up. And then he called me and he was like, what’s up? And so he opened the phone. I was like, oh, I just calling you about my butt and he’s oh, did you take a picture? And I was like no and he’s okay and then I was like I said something where I was like your eyes are swollen and he took it the wrong way.

I meant it as are you okay? And he got a Fended by it and I was like, so here’s the thing He made an assumption about me and I could have clearly just made an assumption about him Like you’re a jerk and hung up the phone, but instead I was like what’s going on with you? And he’s what do you mean?

And I’m like, why are you upset about me calling your eyes swollen and it was then when he said it’s just that I’m working I’m trying so hard to work on myself. I’m a pescatarian now. I rarely eat sugar. I go to sleep Really early and I guess when you talk about my swollen eyes, it feels like it’s diminishing all the hard work that I’m doing.

And I’m like, I could see that thousand percent. I didn’t mean that and I’m sorry. And he was like, okay. So it’s just like we’re having we need to have more of these conversations instead of making assumptions about the other person, right? You know what 

Erika Cruz: I’m saying? Yes, man. The story we’re telling ourselves is rarely accurate.

The story we’re telling ourselves is usually very egocentric and, you know, self centered. So it’s so important to have a non defensive way of communicating, right? So you said something earlier about people. Not wanting to leave a relationship because they’ve invested so much time in it. And I’ve seen this happen over and over again.

And as you know, I called off an engagement and one of the big things I think that kept me there was, Oh, I’ve been in this relationship for two years. And if I, you know, get out of this, I’m going to have to start over again. And what if the next person I meet isn’t my husband. And now here I am about to be 33 years old and I still don’t have a husband and that’s totally okay.

Right. But at the time it felt like. I’m gonna have to start over again. Yeah. And I’m just wondering 

Karina F Daves: How I have to ask you, I’m sorry to cut you off. Do you ever think about if you stayed, what your life would be like? 

Erika Cruz: Yes, I do think about it. And I mean, I would’ve already been divorced, that’s for sure.

Wow. And I don’t think he would’ve been happy because he would’ve been trying to make me happy over and over, and it just wasn’t a good fit. Right. Yeah. So not even. Not even for me, would it have been bad? It would have been bad for everybody involved. think about… And money comes and goes, right?

Who cares about that? But think about the money, the time, the energy investing in that wedding day. And then the guilt I would have had to then go through a divorce. And then the heartbreak, right? Where he thought he was set. married to the person he loved. And then for me to walk away after that.

It was much better for me to have done it when I did do it. Even though that in itself was really hard and some people, like I’ve even had people ask me, why did you even say yeah? Like, why would you even say yes whenever you were proposed to? And I think people like the clarity I have now wasn’t the clarity I had then.

And when you’re in the middle of a situation like that or of a relationship, your mind is going to like, but they’re a good person and maybe this isn’t that bad. Right. And it’s not that straightforward. So I do think about it. I, and. I’m glad that it didn’t happen. 

Karina F Daves: Yes. Yeah. I had to ask you because I’m just like, look, what was waiting for you on the other side?

Erika Cruz: Yeah. I would not be where I am now. I’d probably still be working in tech and. Yeah. So what do you tell people? What do you tell your clients when they’re like, Oh, but I’ve already invested this much time or even if they’ve had the clarity, it’s sometimes just easier to stay in their comfort zone. 

Karina F Daves: So I actually just did a podcast episode, which I’ll launch either this week or Monday.

It’s gonna, it’s called reasons why we settle. And yeah, give us the reason. Yes, I got you. I re it’s all my Instagram, Karina F. Dave’s. The last Instagram live I did on Monday or Tuesday. and I just pulled it up. These are the top five reasons why people settle. Here we go. Numero uno, time and effort invested.

So people settle to avoid the feeling, like feeling like they wasted their time. Numero dos, external expectations. So this is the, I have to get married by a certain age. I have to have kids by a certain age or family standards. Numero tres. We settle because of comfort and familiarity. So this is where, you may be comfortable and you may be familiar with this person, but you are not fulfilled.

And the only reason why you stay is because the unknown is very intimidating and you would much rather sit in your unknown hell than open up the doors to known heavens. I’m sorry. You would rather stay in your known hell than open up the doors to unknown heavens. That’s the quote. Yeah. Number four stability.

So this is the financial stability, the companionship, the security. So you see security, in this relationship over any of the other aspects, like they could be a jerk to you, but because there’s security involved, because you have a place and you can say we’re together on Facebook in a relationship, it’s secure for you.

And number five, the top reasons why we settle is attachment. So this is a lot of emotional dependency, fear of losing the person. And what I say to combat these top five things is number one, what I said before, you need to know yourself, your identity, your values, and your standards. Number two, which is what I started always talking about boundaries, right?

You need to have boundaries with your receipts. Respect with your personality, like with the things that you want, your dreams and your goals. Boundaries are a form of protecting those things. It’s never meant as a placeholder to tell people, I hate you. You can’t come in. It’s just as a placeholder to protect your dreams and the things that you want for yourself, you know?

And, number three, being able to maintain your independence. Right. So are you still independent in this relationship? And I think that a lot of the times, and I’ve had a lot of people that are very, religious and married to the Bible. When I talk about independence, they’re like, how dare you? You know, when you get married, like you’re one and I’m like, yes, you’re equally yoked and you form one, but you still have your own individuality.

Terrence and I, yes, are a team, but we’re not a team. He’s the one driving the car when he races, I’m the one taking the coaching calls, you know what I mean? But we’re still here supporting each other. There’s still individuality there. And the last one is in order to combat, like why you settle is I just want you to be patient and open to progress.

Right? That’s not chasing perfectionism, just open to progress. And when you’re open to progress, you make decisions like for me, leaving a toxic relationship or Erica calling off an engagement. y’all don’t know what’s on the other side. Actually. You do know what’s on the other side because you’ve seen it.

You’ve dreamt about it. I know, you know, what’s on the other side and everything that you’ve ever desired journaled about prayed about manifested about is literally waiting for you on the other side of this decision that you need to make. And I am not promoting you breaking up. All I’m saying is a decision that needs to be made is for you to put yourself first and what that looks like is.

first figuring out who you are before you point the finger to your partner about how they’re trash. Okay, I’m back. 

Erika Cruz: See what I mean? She just channels. She just goes into this flow and you can’t stop listening. That is so, so good. And you know, okay, what’s the question that I’m crafting right now about settling?

So we, we know why people stay. Because those are all very valid reasons. I can attest to every single one of those 

Karina F Daves: what?

Erika Cruz: Why is it important for people not to settle 

Karina F Daves: because the minute that you settle your soul dies? Let me explain something to you. There are so many people that are already dead that physically They seem alive on paper, they’re alive, but emotionally in their soul, their dreams, it’s already dead. And I don’t want that for you.

When you settle a part of you dies, your spirit dies, your confidence dies. And it’s a very harsh word to say, listen, I get it. Erica has seen me get emotional over cancer and all that. Like I get it. Death is big. I know, but it’s that severe. If she had never called off that engagement, the hundreds of people that were waiting for her to pour into them, wouldn’t have gotten to her.

they would have never met her. And she looked, just like she said, I would have been divorced by now. She would have died little by little. Her dreams would have died little by little. That’s why it’s so important. 

Erika Cruz: You know, Karina, I think you’re, obviously you are a relationship coach, but you are so much more than that because relationships are the single most important thing in our lives.

Right. they’re the only constant. My, my client, Janet, who, you know, because she’s in the abundance plan with us, she said, the only consistent thing is people, right? everything in your life is going to change, but the only consistency is relationships and people. And I think that’s so true.

And our relationships are such a fundamental part of our lives. And as I hear you speak about not settling, as you are helping people navigate and not settle in their relationship, you’re also helping them not settle in their lives. Because the first domino to fall for me was calling off that engagement.

And then I was able to leave my tech job. And then I was able to swallow my pride and move back into my childhood room to start a business. And then I was able to post on Tik TOK when everybody was laughing at, you know, me, because that’s where the kids were and that’s what allowed me to. Promote my services and charge what I charge and work with the amazing people that I work with, even launching this podcast.

Right? So I feel like you’re helping people with that first domino that allows them to see themselves as worthy. So by not letting people settle, you’re not just helping them find their significant other, their soulmate, you’re helping them find themselves. And that’s huge.

How does that feel? 

Karina F Daves: Nobody’s ever said it that way. You know, I’ll tell you this, the room that I’m in right now, was a storage room. And when I was nine and a half months pregnant with Levi, I came into this room and I heard God say, you need to turn this into a lab and this room will be a lab for many people that you will heal.

And I will send. Many women your way and so I got an ikea wooden countertop and two little drawer desks and Terrence bought me my pod my first podcast mic. I don’t know who hasn’t had a yeti mic at this point and And I just started talking and I started with a blog and I had no idea what I was doing I had no idea who I was going to meet but I think erica would agree with me when I say Sometimes you literally don’t need to know what you’re doing to be, I don’t know, achievable to be able to serve.

Like you don’t need to know what you’re doing before you start. I had no idea how to. Write a blog. I had no idea how to host a website. I had no idea when I took Eric, actually, Eric and I met on what’s that chat room, it was appropriate. Oh 

Erika Cruz: yes. it was, oh my gosh, the one where everybody was speaking.

Yeah, it was, hold on. I think I still have the app on my phone 

Karina F Daves: clubhouse. Eric and I met on clubhouse when I was still working. I still have a nine to five, but at that point I had a very toxic boss and my sister Stacey had just been diagnosed. And I remember her voice came on and I had asked her a question or something.

And she was like, I just want to first say, thank you for sharing that. she’s that’s so, you know. It is. That’s hard to share. And I was like, huh. And after that, I don’t even know where I saw her again, maybe in Janice’s course. And I took her tick tock course. And I’m saying this because, you know, I had no idea what I was doing.

And I, I started that tick tock course with eight followers, eight, eight followers. Followers. 

Erika Cruz: How many do you have now? 

Karina F Daves: nine, 99, 99, I think 99, 99, 000. Yeah. 99, I know. I’m like 99. Yeah, 99. I know it’s so crazy. And you know, I was telling somebody about metrics and I was saying to, they were telling me like, Oh, the engagement is low.

And I was like, you don’t understand, man, when I, when my entire identity shift, that virality means one person, one view, one, like one DM, one share, that’s viral when everything just changed. But I say all this to say that to answer Erica’s question, how does it feel? It feels completely insanely in alignment.

With what God wants for me and her and I and a group of people have been doing this abundance plan the last 20 something days and it has been really a heart shifting and I talk a lot about heart posture I’ll say this my heart posture has definitely shifted over the last three years and Before we even started recording.

I was telling Erica about an opportunity that I missed and I was like, I’m so sorry I should have applied and she said to me Karina No, because you need to have this huge empire and I was like, what? And it’s sometimes, you know, who’s ever listening. Sometimes it’s your friends and the people that are around you that see you in such a different light that you don’t even see yourself.

And so I want you to start imagining. Yourself the way they see you and that’s why you need good people if you don’t got good people. It’s not good Yeah, 

Erika Cruz: i’m grateful. I can pick up the phone and call you anytime. 

Karina F Daves: Yes 

Erika Cruz: Karina is there anything I did not ask you about that you want to tell the listeners?

Karina F Daves: I’m trying to think. You know here, I know we only have a couple minutes, but here’s what I’ll say for anybody that’s listening. I want you, if you’re driving, I don’t want you to close your eyes, but I just want you to take a second to listen to my voice and this is what God has put in this moment to, for me to share with you.

You are an unbelievable force to be reckoned with, and I don’t care what has happened. I don’t care who has happened. I don’t care that you have lost and you have suffered. There is still a light that will always be lit. No matter how small it is, the fire will always be there. The urge will always knock for you.

to do something big with your life. And if it’s anything that you take away from this podcast, I want you to take away this. I want you to wake up. I want you to make a promise to yourself that you will wake up and little by little, you will do things that make you happy, that make you feel good, that are in alignment with your values.

You will make investments with, even if it’s a program that you need to do, I need you to do. Because this entire time, you might not have been doing anything of anything and it’s not getting you anywhere. So I want you to wake up and at least do something. I love you. I don’t even know you, but I love you and I want you to know That your life is waiting for you on the other side.

Okay? Okay. That’s it. 

Erika Cruz: I felt that tingling all over my body. That was beautiful. Karina, I know that a lot of people listening to this are going to be like, damn, I have to work with her. How can they find you? How can they connect with you? How can people 

Karina F Daves: work with you? Okay, so I primarily live on Instagram and TikTok.

Do not get involved with the comments on Instagram, on TikTok. It’s a little spicy there. my handle is KarinaF as in Frank Daves. And, you can go to the link in my bio and book a sales call to work with me. I want to help you in this season of your life, overcome the number one conflict that you’re having in the relationship, whether it’s with yourself, with your family, with your toxic Thea, with your romantic partner, whatever it is.

You can also find me at KarinaFDaves. com. And this month, actually, I don’t know when this, podcast is airing, but I’ll be hosting, creating, content with a nine to five workshop, this September 17th. So feel free to sign up for it. And we’re going to have a great time. We’re going to have a great time.

Okay. 

Erika Cruz: Thank you. Lovely. All of the links are down below in the show notes. Garni, now we’re going to have to get you back because I know that today was a little rushed, but we’re going to have to, maybe you, Kat and myself can do a little. podcast. We’ll pick a topic. Yes, on the beach. And then…

Oh! We should totally do that. Yes. You’re going to come to California then. Okay. Or we’ll meet you in Miami. 

Karina F Daves: Yes. We’ll do something big. 

Erika Cruz: Amazing. Karina, it is always a pleasure to be in your energy and I love you so much. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your words. Thank you for your gift that you bring to the world and we will be in touch.

Okay. 

Karina F Daves: I love you so much. Thank you.